I am frustrated with myself and my thoughts. They are not good thoughts, and if a male voiced the kinds of thoughts I think, then I believe that male would be castigated strongly for objectifying females. I want attention that should never be given to a female, and even as I try to reject these thoughts, they make their way back into my mind and distract me constantly...at least, constantly for the past few days.

I see movies on tv about young women cutting themselves and doing other dangerous things, particularly if they are experiencing stress--particularly if they are being sexually molested. Cutting has never been something I wanted or craved, and as a matter of fact, cutting and bleeding is something I would avoid at all costs. These actions do not fascinate me at all.

But there are other painful situations that drift into my fantasies, and even as I recognize that deviant thought, the thought mushrooms and seems to take on a life of itself. I remember as a young girl, when my molester was not present, I would think of how painful and horrible an experience was the incestuous acts--and I wanted to stop the acts and stop the thoughts. I knew I was not behaving like a good girl, and I wanted to stop...but even as I knew this and recognized it, I also tried to hurt myself--usually by heat. I would heat metal objects by laying them in front of a window where the sun seemed to come through the strongest...and when it got so hot I could hardly touch it, I would move it to my skin and use it to make myself feel that heat, that pain. This was at a time when I didn't realize what a vagina was, before I knew the female anatomy. I thought that the male was hurting me by forcing a very part of himself against me, and it hurt so badly...and for some unknown reason, I was trying to find a way to imitate his actions, and I couldn't. Eventually, that particular behavior stopped, but not the desire to find a way to receive the pain....

No, never anything that would leave permanent harm. That's part of the deal. No permanent marks. There can be no way that someone examining my physical body would ever know that the painful action happened. Yet, the pain is imagined to be real and strong. And hidden from the world. And there's the crux of my thoughts...finding pain that doesn't leave physicall reminders.

And humiliation. Actually, more submission in a way that declares victor to a male in a way that would humiliate most women. In the fantasies, it's a way to please a man.

And I hate those fantasies. They need to be put in a corner and never brought out. But they always find their way to my mind, to a place where they're front and center. And sometimes I feel like I'm going to go crazy if the images don't stop, don't create a strange excitement that makes me cringe to think about them. It seems to be so hypocritical, and that is something I never want to be--a hypocrite. I want to be real and honest, and I want to crave only good and wonderful emotions and feels, not these things that are not right, not good and not normal for a female in today's world.