I am afraid for the future of children in my community. Today, I visited with a friend I've known for years, one who was my friend in my darkest times and who continues to be my friend now. However, I am astonished at myself and how jaundiced my view of life has become.

There was a time when she and I both were in the same financial straits, and we helped each other and boosted each other when we needed a lift. Our children are similar in age. She and I are both larger women, and we both have our own kind of faith in a God of Grace. At one time, we did everything together.

However, as I went to university and then full time work with benefits...and as our children grew...my friend remained at home with her family, continuing to struggle with finances and personally taking responsibity for making life as right as possible for her loved ones. Her children now have children. And she is the most loving and caring grandmother and child could have.

Yet, I look at her and wonder at the future for these children. The grandchildren are in the same place her children were in...literally. The same house, the same struggles, the same frustrations.... And I hear her lament the failure of the government to provide help as it has in the past, before the 1998 changes. And I hear how social services is always doing all they can to prevent the doling out of financial help--but always they are happy to criticize her family's parenting skills. She complains that no one seems to believe her family has any value in this world, and because of that, the government agencies refuse to help her.

And yesterday another lady told me that a family we know was not helped--she opined--because they were caucasions. If, she said, this were a minority family, the government would be tripping over themselves to help that minority family. However, with this being a white family, she said, the government agencies are not wanting to help.

And one other family is in great distress because the mother relied on her ex-husband's declaration of love and intention to reconcile--building up the entire family's hopes--only to have their hopes dashed when the man laughed at her and told her he'd only come there because he needed a place to stay as his new girlfriend stayed at her sisters--and her sister wouldn't let him anywhere near her home.

All of this seems disparate, the families appearing to have different issues and different concerns. However, looking at them carefully, you realize that these parents place a priority on family relationships and love for family. That priority is greater than financial responsibility--and that only makes sense, for if they have no money, it is imperative to teach the children that money is not nearly important as "family." If they taught the children that having a job and money is one of the most important things people can do, then they would actually appear to be either hypocrites or really unintellighent when they have no job to go to (and they know that children have no concept of "do as I say, not as I do").

Having no employed role model, and the government repeatedly seeming to emphasize a message of worthlessness (the government's refusal to become involved tells a family, really, that they are not important enough to worry about), these children will really not truly understand how important the tradition of work and personal responsiblity can be to these children's futures.

And, so, I worry about the future and the children of today. Howe will these young people develop a sense of reality that involves a full week of hard work...and getting paid an honest wage for an honest day's work.

And I worry about my point of view. Have I become so educated that I fail to give the importance of family relationships the value they deserve? I hardly ever visit with members of my original family, but I keep my own children very close. And I wonder if I am a very selfish daughter and sister...and maybe too unselfish as a mother? I remember when my father worked and how happy we were as a family...and then how unhappy we were when he lost his health and then his job. Have I put an ability to earn above the need to have love and laughter in a home? I hope I have taught my children to enjoy life and to work hard and play hard...but maybe I'm really a very selfish mother that is only justifying her desire to work and work hard......

In the end, I need to remember that mothers love their children and they are all doing their best. Period.

I like Hilary Clinton. I like her fight, and her determination to keep working for what she wants, for putting her actions behind her words. I appreciate the work she's done pro bono for low income people, and I truly appreciate all the time she's put into the health care crisis. I recognize the work she's done internationally, and I would laud her efforts to support troops even as she provides a realistic view of the world. If she makes it to the general election, I believe I would vote for her. She is the only candidate I know that would truly empathize with a person in my position.

If Hilary does not make it to the general election, I will vote for McCain. I like the work he's done, not only in government but in his life. I like his willingness to listen, and I recognize his faith in this country.

I would not vote for Obama, at least not for what I know of him so far. I've studied rhetoric, and I think he delivers a message that has carefully culled the American people's vote. However, his words and actions are not strong enough for the average American to be able to recite anything he's ever done on the behalf of the American people. I think he's what is best known as a professional politician, and I think he needs to give more substance and clarify his real record before I can vote for him.

But, in the end, I want to vote for the person that understands the low income person's point of view...who truly understands not only the perception of that low income person's viewpoint, but who also recognizes that there are legal maneuvers and political necessities that will best help the low income people. And I think there's really only one candidate who really understands the reality of low income soldiers...or, at least, those soldiers who come from low income backgrounds. If you know the recruitment methods this country's military employs, then you'll know what I'm talking about. And you'll also know that same candidate is going to have to know exactly why women in my position need a president that recognizes our and our peers' plights...and a president who is willing, able and on the ready to help us rise above our plight and find flight to our own personal freedom. And, for those who have been in my shoes since childhood, those will understand completely what I am saying.

I am an admirer of Hillary Clinton; I recognize John McCain's value. And it is these two candidates that I think the "silent majority" will believe are the most apt to fill the position of President of the United States. If anyone else takes that job, I truly hope that my peers will educate him or her in the ways of this world so that only the most prepared candidate will lead the way to our own personal prosperity.

There are good people in this world. I know there are. Sometimes I write so much about the negatives, it seems that nothing good ever happens. However, there is good.

At work, we have been advised of a massive layoff. People's emotions and attitudes are all over the place. I find that when I remain calm, some people get more irritated--and others are just plain grateful not to have to talk to another grumpy person. However, one person is doing all she can to be positive. She is reminding us of some benefits we all still have, that there are other opportunities out there for each of us, that this is not a reflection on us as individuals--that the larger company had to make practical decisions and they did the best they could. She's not doing it in a know-it-all way, and she's very sincere. I truly hope all works out for her...and for every person that faces an uncertain future.

I think of the horrible things that have happened to me, and I know that there has to be something good in this world, something for us all to look forward to. This has been brought home to me as I work on a surprise birthday party for an elderly lady...and a remark was made that the "this is your life" kind of project I'm working on is like something she sees at a funeral. I was a bit upset at first, and then I was grateful to her...and I have lightened up the presentation and made constant references to the good things this lady has done. And all the while, I wonder how she made it through so much tragedy in her life and yet remains with an attitude that is an inspiration to us all. Looking at her days, I realize she just takes one day at a time, she never plans for more than one activity per day, and she is careful to allow time to give each visitor the respect she feels they deserve.

Life is hard for every one of us, I think, and I am beginning to truly understand that we each make our own future. I heard the expression this weekend that if you stared at a problem long enough, you'll find the answer. I didn't like that saying. I think if you just tackle one thing at a time, and do your best, that's all you can do. And don't worry about what you didn't do. When all you can do is nothing--or it seems a wrong thing to have done--remember it's all going to be OK, and--again--we can only do what we can do.

Life can be good, and we have to keep going at our own pace, in our own time and in our own understanding.

My head hurts. It's hurt since about 3:30 this morning, and on and off all day. Sometimes I wonder why God gives us such pain and then seems to laugh at our frustration when we suffer throughout the day. I have an eye doctor appointment right away tomorrow. I'm wondering if today's headache will affect my vision. But, at the moment, I don't care too much. I just want to go lie down.

But lying down doesn't help. I've tried. It just makes me restless. I cleaned my bedroom tonight like I haven't done in months. I can't sit still. The headache is everywhere, and the nerves are jumping all over my head and somehow creates an urge to get up and move. I wish those nerves would work more when I don't have a headache!

I think I'll go do some research on headaches. And why I sometimes get this strange ratcheting sound from just below and behind my ear after they start...just for a minute or so....I always worry it's a sign of an aneurism or some kind of stroke. But the headache just continues, so I figure it's probably a kind of aura that precedes the worst of the pain. As if I need a signal that pain is there! Of course, if I relied on the zig zag lines, the pain would be here all day, every day.

Anyway, I hope the rest of the world is feeling good and there's no pain anywhere else. I'd take it all if I could ease the pain the rest of the world feels....

Why is incest such a taboo subject? Not only do I, personally, not want to talk about my own specific history, I don't even really feel comfortable talking with friends--or family--about the subject. These people know me, and they know my habits and my behaviors. Incest is such a far cry from what I think they perceive that I just don't want to acknowledge it in such an intimate manner.

However, declare it here on a public blog...and I'm all ready to discuss it to my heart's content. I think this is because I'm somewhat anonymous, like no one out there knows exactly who I am--but that I do exist and am real is something I do not mind sharing with the world. I just don't want to be specifically identified.

I think it's because I fear the reaction of people, particularly my friends. If the larger public were to reject or ridicule me, I could handle that. I'm not personally involved with the general public. But I am personally involved with my friends and my family, and I don't want them to think that I am any more differently than they do now. I already feel as if I am somehow physically or emotionally or mentally (not sure which, if any or all), and I certainly don't want them to actually confront me and make me face my own history up close and personal.

I am really very socially conscious. I think if I were examined closely, and diagnosed, I'd probably be told I have severe social anxiety. I cannot describe the anxiety I feel when confronting strangers, particularly if they appear to be anything other than fianancially deprived. I am nervous because I am large (make that fat), poor (make that always broke and debt-ridden), and very uncomfortable in professional clothing. It would be difficult to describe the relationship, or lack thereof, I suffered through my childhood and teen years in a public school setting. The bullying I hear about on television is probably derived from me and the treatment I received back then--only, today, it's kind of a watered down version. The only thing that keeps me sane, I believe, is my faith in my "undeveloped" abilities: I believe there's something better for me out there. If I didn't believe this and continue to try to develop that "better me," then I think I would literally fall to pieces and somehow cease to have a will to live.

So, why in the world would I want to submit myself and my history to friends and family? It was so intimate that I didn't realize my youngest sister didn't realize what happened to me until a couple years ago when she made a comment abou the same kind of behavior happening with another sister...and even then I couldn't tell her about my own experiences. This is such a taboo that even my closest family member can't hear it.

Now, I am involved with a wonderful man that means the world to me. And there's no way I can tell him about this. I told my exhusband once, and our relationship was never the same after that. We eventually divorced. Now, after several more years of keeping it in, I really can't talk about it. It is more than a phobia; it is an absolute impossibility.

Yet, here I write about it. With people I will probably never meet nor ever personally discuss it with. And that's OK with me...but my friends and family might find it somewhat alarming.....