I am now writing for the second time today. I am experiencing something so stressful I cannot even eat. Literally. I tried to eat, but the food would not digest. It never made it to my stomach.

For at least a year now, my esophagus has been occasionally refusing to allow me to eat. One friend tells me that's a sign that I should stop eating. There's also the opinion that I have talked myself into a virtual gastric bypass...the theory being that I have such a powerful imagination that I can cause my stomach to act as it would after gastric bypass surgery by not allowing more than a couple tablespoons of food to enter the actual stomach. All I know is that I was having difficulty swallowing my lunch today. While my food would go down my throat, it wouldn't make it to the stomach. It would get caught halfway down, and sit there forever...painfully forever.

This happens every couple weeks. The last few times, I have to go to the bathroom and cough in order to start the food moving up and out....because it wasn't moving down, and it HURT! At lunch time, I got the food down eventually...but tonight, at supper, I coudn't do it and ended up coughing it up. I can literally feel it travel from just above the stomach right up and out the top....hurting every part of the way.

Last summer I had a test where they used a kind of "x-ray" to watch the way food traveled down my esophagus--and, of course, no problems on that day! I can never predict when it will happen. But there's no doubt about when it happens.

It usually happens moreso with meat, especially chicken, than with vegetables. Breads and noodles seem to sometimes be restricted, but they usually make it. It is really very frightening, though it's not like a choking feeling. It just hurts as the esophagus squeezes around the food and painfully holds it in place.

Maybe my body is just trying to prevent me from eating and gaining more weight, but I really wish it would be able to do so without pain. I know I'm under some stress now, but nothing like I've felt at different times in my past. Still, I guess stress can make a body nervous...and the muscles probably do kind of clench.... Or, maybe it's part of the fibromyalgia (everything else seems to be), or maybe part of the accumulated stress that's gathered since childhood. Whatever it is, I just wish I felt better.

The daily news brought information that is not all that new to most. Obama is declaring that he is the presumptive democratic candidate, and in Texas, the judge has ordered the 400 children taken from their parents about two months ago now be reunited with their parents...with conditions.

As for Obama, I would have voted for Clinton if she had been the presidential candidate. I will not vote for Obama. He reminds me too much of Bush in 2000--and, yes, I know he is a democrat! But, look at his platform and his manner of leadership and you will be strongly reminded of Bush. Clinton tells you what she thinks, and her strength of character has been demonstrated repeatedly...even as she fights for the causes close to my heart. McCain, too, is fairly straightforward--though he is a republican, he has occasionally reviewed his thoughts and done what he believed to be right, even if it meant changing his previous path on the same subject. Obama plays things too close to the vest and is to artificial, and he has not yet won my vote.

As for the children being reunited with their parents, I think it is a good thing. Those good people of Texas who has aimed to do a good thing should have known better. There are better ways to achieve goals than to ram them down the throats of people who prefer eat only traditional fare. I believe that there are problems in that compound, but the way that officials in Texas addressed them is unbelievable. I hope that the children are learning a good lesson in citizenship, tolerance and family loyalty despite the good intentions of social service providers in Texas.

Tonight I watched a television show that featured a story about a convicted rapist and the potential for civil commitment to a mental health treatment center, possibly forever, after completing the sentence for the conviction. It is incomprehensible to me that such a commitment can be legal, though I know that it is legal in many states. Though I understand the concerns of the public when faced with the situation of having a convicted rapist in any given neighborhood, I cannot balance that to have anything close to that of recognizing every person's right to liberty and the pusuit of happiness. While I understand and laud the prison sentence, once that person has done their time, that person has paid for that crime.

Yes, the prison time is a criminal offense and the commitment would be a civil action. I understand this. But I cannot comprehend that any person should be deprived of that right that our forefathers declared to be self-evident: that all are endowed with the inalienable right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. To recognize those rights, I would think that any time a person is denied life and liberty, it needs to be as a recognition for actions already taken--not those anticipated or feared to happen.

To that end, if it were right that a person should never enjoy liberty again, that kind of commitment needs to be part of the criminal sentencing. A mental condition should never commit a person to a situation where there is no hope for release, for actively enjoying liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Yes, these people are criminals, and they committed horrible actions--or, at least, they were convicted of such horrible actions. I suspect some may never have committed such crimes given that it is possible to convict innocent people. That conviction and resulting incarceration should not be able to be used to deprive a person of future liberty.

Yes, it is possible to commit people for mental health reasons. But, to my knowledge, mental health concerns are considered illnesses. No one should be sentenced to a life sentence for being ill, particularly when the action under consideration was considered a criminal act--and the subsequent prison sentence apparently gave no credence to a mental health concern. Yet, these states allow ill people to be incarcerated in a mental health facility for a lifetime.

While the story tonight only covered convicted felons, I wonder how many people never convicted of a crime should be considered as potential sexual predators with every possibility of future criminal action? Why don't we hear about such civil commitments for these people? This kind of law is unfairly applied only to convicted criminals. To me, that very consideration should be grounds for dismissal on grounds of something similar to profiling. Convicted rapists are automatically assumed to be likely to commit a crime, and for that reason only are they considered for such commitment. To me, that sure sounds like a continuation of a sentence beyond those dispositions allowed by law; but, then, I really don't know enough about the law. I just know that every person that has served their time needs to know that they will be allowed to return to the real world eventually.

Similarly, I think those who have a restraining order granted against them in a situation where the subject voluntarily agrees to stay away from the petitioner, and where no guilt is determined, in those situations, I believe there should be laws against using such restraining orders to prevent those people from being rejected in employment in situations where background checks reveal such restraining orders. I know more than one person who has had such a restraining order put in place, and now they are having trouble finding jobs because of that restraining order. I think this situation speaks for itself. When a person goes to court, voluntarily agrees to not contest the restraining order and to stay away from the petitioner without admitting guilt (such as just agreeing to the restraining order of a person you haven't seen in six weeks and have no intention of ever seeing again...it's not worth the time or the dollars to have to defend against an action that will result in no change of your own behavior nor in any kind of conviction), there should be an inability of employers to use the existence of such a restraining order in deciding not to employ such a person. I hope that makes sense.....

Let me make it clear: Every rapist needs to be convicted and needs to be sentenced by a judge, who should have reviewed all evidence. That sentence then needs to be applied judiciously and the felon should serve that entire sentence. When that sentence is done, that felon then should be able to return to the real world and not be concerned that he will never see freedom again, though he has served his sentence. (I use "his" only because it is traditionally used in these situations.) And, when there is no conviction, that person who follows a court order should not be penalized for not fighting such a situation and thereby allowing less court time, less stress to the petitioner and no time wasted by the subject.

Let the judge be the wise person that the State expects, and the Judge should provide a sentence in accordance with judicial expectations as the justice system would most adequately provide.

What do you say when a friend comes to you with a secret that she's found difficult to talk about, but she's had the courage to come to YOU and discuss it. Then, when she finally gets to the point, you realize it's that taboo subject that you, yourself, can't seem to talk about. What exactly do you do? Tell her about your own experience, or do you sympathize, or try to empathize? Whatever you decide to do, how does the whole conversation make you feel?

I feel no shame in discussing the situation with her. I go right ahead and listen to all she has to say, and maybe ask just a few questions to clarify her emotional status, and then let her know what I think of her situation...and offer to help her find help if she wants it. However, I usually do not end up confessing my own secret, that taboo of sexual activity within the family....that horrible Ince-- word that I really don't even like to say.

One reason I don't talk about it is that I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. At least not to treat me differently, particularly in front of others.

But, maybe more important, I'm trying to listen to her and make her the focus of the conversation. Usually, whenever I begin to discuss my own situation, we end up diverting from the original purpose of her conversation and switch the subject matter to that of being about me and my life. I don't want to be the focus of the conversation, and I certainly want to help this lady help herself. So, I just mention that I went through a similar experience and I know how she feels. If she asks for details, I simply tell her that I'd rather talk about her situation.

Still, no matter my good intentions, the truth is that I'm embarrassed to talk about my torrid past. I don't want to be seen as a sexual being at all, though I am probably the most hormone-driven person any person has ever known.

So, mostly, I listen. And when all is said and done, she feels better for having shared, and I feel better for halving her issues as I take on a portion of her sadness. Still, she has to help herself, and I try to always leave by knowing what she intends to do in the future...and we clarify that. And she leaves knowing that her life will change, if only one day at a time.

Still, I'd rather not talk about it at all.....

These past few days have been stressful, and I can feel every muscle in my shoulders tensing, and all the nerve endings that provide the potential for pain in the form of a very major headache are starting to quiver...I can feel that tension building. Yet, even recognizing the physical concern, I realize events of the past days that in the past would have driven my wild with depression or worry are just kind of passing in the wind. I don't know if that's because I've learned to deal with them, or I've just grown so used to the stress that nothing phases me any more.

This weekend, my car was broken into and car parts stolen. I felt like laughing, and I'm not sure why. If my car were offered on eBay right now, I MAY--if someone takes pity on me--get a hundred bucks for it. My son looked at it tonight and seemed genuinely shocked at the sight of it. He's seen it every day for years, but it just hit him like a ton of bricks just how horrible it looks...and it behaves even worse. I feel almost sorry for the thieves. I figure if someone needed those particular parts, then they must need them worse than me..... and I just went and got new parts and had them put on. There have been times in the past when this incident would have absolutely floored me, sending me into histrionics and tears that never stopped.

I have two men in my family that are in the hospital with heart problems...both of them barely past 50. I should be worried for them, and I should be looking at my own heart health since this appears to be a family trait--but I didn't even visit them in the hospital. Of course, one is two hours away, but still, I could have taken a drive in my wonderful car.... I did manager to post an email to one, but the other I figured would recover and kept going about my business.

Knowing my work will be done in about six months isn't helping my life...and neither is the additonal responsibilities that seem to be piled onto me as peers leave. The company is moving, and we will all be out of work soon, and I would normally be beside myself worrying about things. Instead, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

My septic system is not doing well after the drainfield seems to be having problems...and my landlady doesn't have the money to fix it. So, I've spent $35 washing clothes this past week, and it lookes like this will be an additonal expense for the foreseeable future. My budget can't handle it...but, for some reason, I'm just letting it move forward without flinching.

For the past few weeks, almost all my spare time is devoted to coordinating a major social event for a friend of mine, who doesn't have a clue where to start. That even will happen in four days, and I should be frantic, worrying about every little detail. But, if it doesn't all happen exactly right, then it won't happen exactly right. Not much I can do about it at this point....and my biggest struggle right now is with myself as I tell myself I should be more concerned....and I'm ignoring my own advice.

I guess everyone has stress. Some have learned to handle it better than others. I don't know what I'm doing, but life is happening and I have to live with it....hopefully, peacefully,