I am about to head to work, but wanted to read through my blog just as a matter of interest. It blasted out at me that the depressing thoughts and emphasis on distressed family relationships is probably a situation that doesn't engender positive thought. And I laughed at one point when I ready that I thought I was "criminally" depressed.

That was supposed to be "clinically" depressed. So I began to wonder what "criminaly" depressed could mean. The best thought that I could come up with was that depression is caused by a criminal action--but this morning I am absolutely NOT criminally depressed. I am going to refuse to think about all the family issues and problems, and I will make this day a good day.

Now, I just have to convince my kids that when I come home tonight, my house will be magically clean, my food will be cooked, and then all my dishes will be washed by some imaginable fairy--because my children have never espoused to be fairies. And I'm not talking gay--though they are neither homosexual nor depressed. They are simply teenagers that have better things to do, or so they think. Mom thinks that nothing would be better than a clean house, good food and washed dishes.

I am going to work to think good thoughts today and not concentrate on the negative. It is Friday, and it is a good day!

"They are dealing the only way they know how."

I received a comment with this phrase describing the way she perceived our families to be dealing with the issues that I am trying to somehow dissect in this blog. When I first read the words, I understood what she was saying, and there is a certain wisdom in the words that brings me comfort amongst all my frustratons with my relationship with my family.

Then, as the words bounced around in my head, I began to wonder if my family's irritating behaviors truly is the only way they know how. And I don't think it is. It occurs to me that one of the reasons I get so frustrated is that maybe I am giving my family more credit than they deserve. To me, it doesn't take brains to know there are at least two sides to every story. Most people, too, understand that children need guidance, and that those children need to be provided with gudiance that will help the children develop behaviors, attitudes and thoughts that eventually produce well rounded adults. And most people should know that sometimes taking no action is an action in itself--that by not getting involved, events continue that could be stopped with a single word or observation.

Still, even though my family should know these things, they simply left their common sense somewhere other than in their brains, and they said and did things that hurt people. And I don't know if that hurt will ever heal.

As I grew up, I learned these basic lessons from my family. So, now, I find it very difficult to understand how they can behave the way they do...or say the things the do...or not say the things they don't.

But, though I don't understand this, I do understand that sometimes it's easier not to do what's right. It's easier to sit back and let pieces fall where they may...fall all around everyone but themselves. And that sometimes makes me mad at my family members...but I do understand why it happens.

But understanding doesn't help the people that hurt. The hurt takes time to heal, and one day I hope that the freedom from pain will allow forgiveness along with the understanding. But that pain extends to more than just one person, and that hurt doesn't easily release itself to the healing process.

Maybe writing is part of the healing, maybe releasing the pain through words creates an ugly scar...that will one day be little more than a faint line that brings together the wound's edge and makes it whole again.

My family behaves as they do because it is the way they have come to understand is the appropriate way to act. But, if they really learned what they had taught, then they would know that there are more appropriate ways to behave. But it's a lot easier to simply let life roll on without needing to redirect the flow.

And it frustrates me!

I have had a brief vacation, and it doesn't seem like I took too much restand relaxation. But many of the activities inspired some thoughts that don't really take any specific direction.

My friend came back from his vacation, and he was very communicative about how much he missed me, and he expounded upon his thoughts that I was different than most women. He said that most women would have been extremely upset that their significant other left on a fun vacation for three weeks without taking her with him. At first, I couldn't believe this, but then I began to think about it, and I think he's probably right. Many women would have been upset if after a five year relationship, the man took a three week vacation and not only enjoyed himself during those three weeks--but by taking the three weeks now, it leaves him without having earned any additional vacation time in the next year. This means that if I take a vacation, I will need to take it on my own without him. And I can't imagine him patiently sitting back at home while I leave for a three week hiatus at a popular vacation spot. And that realization made me wonder why I hadn't been upset until I thought about the situation and realized I should be upset.

And then I wasn't upset that he took the vacation. I was upset that I didn't get upset.

I had looked a bit more into my life and realized that I do not allow myself to get angry. It's not that I don't voice my irritation...it's more that I don't realize when I'm angry. I don't know how to get upset and go absolutely bonkers by throwing things and screaming out in my frustration.

Instead, on some occasions, I will go hide in a dark corner and silently cry by myself. I think some people would find it difficult to understand how a woman can go curl up in a ball on the side of the bed that faces a wall and just let the tears fall with almost no sound. Inside myself, as I cry, I want someone to come over and hug me and hold me and make me feel better--but as soon as someone comes looking for me and I have to come out of hiding, I won't volunteer that I was upset enough to cry.

But those occasions are few. Normally, when I hear anything that makes me think I am going to feel any strong emotion, I tell myself to calm down and not display the emotion. As a child, if I wanted something and made it known, you can bet your bottom dollar that I would not get it. If I didn't say anything, then there was a chance that I might get something--but there was no way that I was going to get anything I asked for. I remember once, for Christmas, I got a toy that I truly wanted--and I was totally amazed until my parents came and explained to me that there had been a mistake and that my wonderful gift had been intended for my older, prettier (as agreed by all) sister.

This weekend I think I began to realize--and I have to develop this thought--that somehow the incest and secrets that rise out of the incest reinforced the need to hide emotions, to not proclaim any kind of strong emotions. Especially not anger. Anger is not allowed.

Yet I know I've felt anger. I've been angry. And, somehow, I've learned to suppress the anger and tolerate the emotion...and then to re-examine the cause of he anger, and somehow--every time---I rationalize the matter and somehow ameliorate the anger so that I don't have to display it.

Right now, I feel great frustration against my molester. Especially about things that he is doing now--not sexual in nature, but still the same manipulative behavior that he used to initiate the incest. And instead of screaming out my anger, I am writing and I am shaking my head...even as I tell the people around me that the man means well and has a good heart--he simply doesn't understand that his behavior and attitudes are unacceptable to me. And I can't explain to everyone why I get so angry with his behavior, not unless I tell them about the incest...and that is a taboo subject that I cannot talk about.

I somehow think if I could physically release some frustration, it would help. Like, maybe using one of those bags that boxers use to shadow box...or just running and getting rid of energy. But it doesn't get rid of the anger, just shifts it to a later thought.

And, in the meantime, I need a vacation-but I can't take one if I don't want my friend to get upset because he can't take it with me. I know that was his choice, but I still don't want to do anything that will cause pain to another.

I'm getting tired. And frustrated. Maybe if I sleep, it will all be better in the morning....

I've been thinking about my family's rift--and how I am having problems accepting my siblings' lack of support and understanding for a very difficult and traumatic situation. I try to be fair in all I do. I try to be honest and non-judgmental. And I try to encourage positive thoughts rather than reminiscing about incidents that encourage focus on problems from the past. But, when family is involved--particularly a male that hurt me so badly--I seem to lose all reasonable thought, and I react on instinct.

There has been times in my life when my brain has worked out puzzles and provided information that others can't seem to comprehend. But every time I've relied solely on logic and intelligence to make a decision, it's been a bad decision. When I react on instinct, or some kind of reaction that has no connection to logic, then I seem to make good decisions more often than not.

Afterwards, when I review the instinct-based decisions, then I see logic that could have been applied--but I just don't think quickly enough on my feet. And instinct seems to get me what I need.

And, instinctively, I don't want any interaction with most of my broethers and sisters. And the one that I do talk with, I give her my opinion, and she listens--and then goes her own way, anyway. And that's her choice--but it's frustrating for me to be asked my opinion and then not have that opinion acted upon. I'm trying to accept these situations, but it is frustrating when I want to be the smart one,then one that guides. But that will never happen in my family.

And I wonder why it is that a man that hurt me and at least one other sister as badly as he did--why that man is honored and respected by our family, but they don't even want to listen to me. And, the one sister that everyone knows he molested (most do not know he did this to me), well, she is pretty much relegated to the "know nothing" heap that no one pays any attention to. Because he is a man, he is forgiven for all his transgressions--and we females seem to be almost disposable.

I wonder whether trying to gain favor in my family's eyes is worth my frustration, worth the irritation that I feel with myself. With a single telephone from any one of them, and my brain just can't think about anything else for days afterwards. It's as if every telephone conversation is a major traumatic event, and I want everyone to know how upset they make me.

It's funny, though, that very little used to upset me--and now every little thing does. I was married to my exhusband for seven years. While we were married, he and I never argued. Not once. Even when he left me because another lady was pregnant at the same time that I was with my last child, even then I could not fight with him. Now, as time continues, I seem to disagree with almost everyone and everything. I can't just let things pass me by without being frustrated if it's not exactly as I expect. And when I get upset, I get quiet. I don't say anything. I just stop talking until I can get my emotions back under control, and then I say very little. I usually switch the subject.

And maybe that's why I don't want to visit with my family. I am upset with them, and I don't want to talk to them. I don't want them to know how badly they hurt me; I want them to seem to figure it all out all by themselves. And I don't want to talk about things after they figure it out.

I know holding things inside yourself isn't supposed to be healthy, but neither is me yelling at people a very healthy situation. I want people to know when something is upsetting me, but I don't want to talk about it.

When I was youger, I didn't want anyone to know how I felt about anything unless it was to say I was happy. I tried to hide every emotion--and I felt as if people would make fun of me if I showed any kind of emotion, particularly a strong emotion. Maybe as I grow, I'm learning, but it's taking a while. And writing will help. I hope.

This has been a long weekend. I haven't felt like writing, or much of anything else. I miss my fiance, and he keeps being delayed. He will be back on Wednesday, and I hope I get to see him right away, but he lives seventy miles away, so I may not see him until the weekend.

In the meantime, my sister called me today to ask me why I wasn't at the lake with some of my siblings. I and another sister have been the equivalent of two black sheep for a couple years due to issues with the person that molested me. The incest was not the primary reason for the current rift in my family's relationship, but the anger that I feel when I think of his relatively recent acts seem to be magnified beyond what is normal--and that's the basis for a good person explaining that, though I thought I had forgiven the man for his past transgression, the anger is still there. And, tonight, when I took that phone call, though the call was from my sister, my emotions ran stronger than they probably should have.

For the past half a dozen years, family members have gathered at a lake that is here in Central Minnesota. When the gathering first happened, for the first two years, family members were getting along good, and we planned the gathering for months in advance. For the past few years, though, neither I nor my other "black sheep" sister have very much communication with any of the other members of my family--and the planning is not happening with us and, in fact, after those first couple years, we haven't even been told that the family definitely will be getting together at that lake.

And it isn't just this camping trip. All the holidays for the past few years have had celebrations that we are simply not advised about--until the day of, or the day before. And, last month, one other sister had a major summer party with a big pig roast where she apparently invited half the town and the rest of our family to celebrate her daughter's graduation. I heard about it two weeks after the fact--from my exhusband. My other Black Sheep sister apparently heard about it the day before the party---but thought I knew about it, and she wasn't going to go because our mutual male relative was going to be there, so she never mentioned not going to me. And the way we've been hearing is because one of our nieces or nephews hear about it from a cousin. We have not been hearing about it from our siblings--and we have plenty of siblings in our large family.

Anyway, when my sister called tonight--after a couple nephews and nieces asked me yesterday why I wasn't at the lake, and I had replied that I knew nothing about the plans before the weekend--my sister very aggressively asked me, "Since when does anyone need an invitation to come camping up here?" I was taken aback for two reasons--and replied that it wasn't so much as needing a formal invitation as it was needing to know that the gathering was even happening. I was very respectful and circumspect as I refused her invitation to go up tomorrow...telling her I had no gas money to travel the 100-mile round trip. I have no doubt I could get the gas money, but I don't want to go with that man up there. And that brings me to the second reason I was taken aback.

My sister is normally very easy to get along with. But her tone of voice tonight was very agressive, and the words she spoke were not reflective of her normal tone. It screamed the syntax and the tone of the man I do not want to be near. And, as we talked more, and we got off the immediate subject of the camping trip, her normal tone returned.

I keep blaming this man for everything to do with my family, as I did tonight when she asked her question. And, now, I ask myself whether I am blaming him for her words--and the unfair implication she was making--when she really was responsible. But, then, I recall other statements that she has made, and actions she has taken, and I can easily differentiate those that involve the man and those that do not. And tonight, it was all him.

He won't call me. He hasn't called me since the family issues arose almost two years ago--after which I told him I thought he needed counseling, and that I thought he was ill. At the time, he was trying to convince me that another sister was mentally ill and needed to be hospitalized and medicated. He did his best to ruin her life, telling my other siblings that she needed to hit bottom before she would seek help through hospitalization--and he encouraged my other family members to join him in hurrying her (the other black sheep in this posting) by deliberately making her life as difficult as it could possibly could as she separated and divorced from her alcoholic and abusive husband. As she was making a very difficult transition, I don't think a person could have made it more difficult for her to live and succeed. And when he called me to help him, I told him that I thought he was the one that needed the counseling--and I made no secret of how offended I was by each of his subsequent attempts to discredit my sister and drive a wedge between her and the rest of her family.

My sister and I have grown to depend greatly on each other, and we defend each other. We have learned to defend ourselves and not to back down. And for this other sister to call me and attack me for not participating in a "family" event (though we two members of the family did not know about it in advance) and to use his words to make the attack, well, it engendered a lot of anger in me.

There is not enough space in this blog to report how much anger I am feeling...with my sister, with him, and with a family that cannot understand why the two black sheep could hold a grudge for so long. Yet, the two black sheep recognize that the "family" activity is encouraging some juvenile activities--and there's more that I haven't reported here. Suffice it to say that the younger generation, my siglings' children, are being encouraged to disobey parents if my siblings do not feel that the other siblings are making responsible decisions regarding our own children.

But we two black sheep have learned that sometimes if you stand for waht's right, then you won't fall for anything. And we have learned that, in the end, the good things in live overcome the bad things--and when people deliberately manipulate actions intended to bring about a change that should never happen, well, we have learned that destiny always seems to step in and make things right, makes those manipulated actions backfire and hurt the manipulator.

Today, my sister is employed, has her children going in the right direction, and she is planning on going back to school for her degree this fall. She got no new counseling, other than to continue the outpatient counseling that she started while she was still married, and she has never hit a bottom so low that she couldn't climb out.

However, to my way of thinking, my family is so used to hearing about alcoholics that have to hit bottom before they can get better--that the somehow equated this to mental illness and fell for that male relative saying she had to hit bottom before climbing out. Somehow, in my logic, most mentally ill people do not need to hit bottom--and maybe wouldn't even recognize if they did hit bottom--to get help and get better. My sister was going through a difficult divorce, and it seems to me that no woman should be thought to be mentally ill because she decides to get out of a bad situation and--in doing so--has some bouts of depression and experiences a lot of life's difficulties. I just find no justification, though, in my family members not going to her and talking with her and asking her how they could help. Instead, they listened to a man that has never appreciated women who seek divorce, and they helped him to try to "hurry" her to a mental condition that was simply not ever an option.

I think I have a very dysfunctional primary family--and tonight I respectfully refused to participate in furthering those behaviors that encourage hurtful and painful ideas. I know I did the right thing, but I am still angry that she even asked me in that manner. One day I may get over this anger toward my family, but it will take time.