Yesterday I had a migraine so bad that I needed to take my meds...and I slept for fifteen straight hours. It felt good to sleep, but it didn't take away the stress. Today, I don't have a traditional headache, but the carotidinea (sorry about the spelling) is so bad that I can't swallow. One doctor told me this is actually like a migraine in my neck, and I believe it.

Everywhere I turn, I have stress. I am trying, though, to figure out how to relieve it. I've tried to talk to people and, like today when I talked to a relative, they don't have much to say except that there is stress that we have to live with and deal with. I've tried to exercise and work it out, but though my body gets a physical release, the facts remain. I understand where all the stress comes from, so I try to look at changing their source--but it's all outside my realm of control, so I cannot change the outside stressors. I considered a professional, but I can't afford it--and that's one of the stressors.

But I have come to the conclusion that I do take things very personally and consider every detail. I have so much education that even things that should be taken at face value lead me down a path of worry. I don't deliberately look for problems, but I certainly find them.

I don't think my line of work helps. I'm paid to anticipate problems and fix them before they happen. I do that well at work where I need to make things happen as smoothly as possible. I can take a potential problem and turn it around to make things happen in a way that makes it a winning situation for both my employer and our customer. I had quit my job a few years ago and went to work for an attorney--but my employer called me back and begged me to come back because no one else could work with these customers. I went back and never regretted it--because I was really stressed with the attitudes of legal eagles that depended on me to find solutions for them--and I am good at my job. But when I try to do the same thing at home, I feel like a failure. To be honest, I think I'd have succombed to the stress a long time ago if I hadn't been trained to work with circumventing problems...and I have to wonder just how much extra stress there is BECAUSE I didn't give in.

If I had given in and allowed all the problems to overcome my life, then I would be in a minimum wage job and getting government help. Instead, I fight to keep ahead of all the issues, and I hover just at the edge. And it is extremely stressful.

Add to it those commercials that imply that if you are depressed, then it is your own actions that might be holding you back from being successful. Now I have something new to worry about: what issues do I ahve to address to get ahead at work and reduce my stress? And is my stress causing my employer problems that is holding the employer back--an extension of the thought that if I could do more, then my employer could do better. And if I am less than I can be, then my employer is less than my employer could be?

I have a lot of circular thinking. And that's stressing me, too. In the end, I'll come to the top of the circle and make it work.

Tonight I am sad. I tried to tell my best friend how I felt and some of the things that are happening. He was sympathetic, but commented that my family always seems to be having money problems. And it's true.

Today I had a take home pay of $478. After I paid three bills, I have $8 to buy groceries and gas to get to work, 30 miles one way, all next week. There's no way that I can make it. but I will have to.

I had a headache tonight, so I took some aspirin and the headache went away. Now my stomach hurts...my whole right side and a bit on my left. And I almost want to throw up. I'm not sure if it's the aspirin--which the doctor told me is not good for my stomach==or that I ate some fried potatoes that my kids didn't put away last night and were out for 24 hours, but I have no money to buy other food. Maybe it would have been better to without food for a night. I know my weight wouldn't have needed anything to eat.

Something here has to give. Soon. And I hope it's not my mind.

Sometimes I feel like all I do is give. I help my children so much that I have nothing left. And they don't give back. Nothing. Not even by cleaning after themselves. Today while I was working, someone needed to cook something, but they apparently couldn't find a clean one. Instead of washing some dishes, they opened new pans that I had been sotring for my daughter as part of her "hope chest." Guess who gets to wash all the dishes, both those that were already drty and the new ones. And the rest of the house will keep me busy tomorrow. I'm glad we have weekends, or this house would never get clean.

I am whining now. I'm getting good at whining. I wish I'd never learned how to do anything but smile and to think positive thoughts. I will have to do better!

Tonight I babysat a little boy that is still a child. He lets his imagination wander, and he is so serious about these things that we adults find so adorable. He couldn't eat supper because his "boss wouldn't like it" because you "have to work hard and not play" when you have a boss. When he grows up, he's going to be spiderman and chase away bad guys. He wants a witch to come and make a dead puppy get better. He's going to use his plastic tool set to fix his bed when he gets home, but he's not sure what's broke. He can't go to kindergarten yet because he has to learn how to be good because he doesn't know how (hence, they have begun to give him adderall for an ADD diagnosis). He is a very intelligent and sincere child; I hope he never changes.

I remember when I was a child and played in my mother's high heels...and playing at trying to make a winding wire walk down stairs. I remember playing with dolls and trucks in the sandbox. I remember drawing pictures of beautiful ladies with rings and big diamond necklaces. I remember singing Mary Had a Little Lamb and Twinkle, Twinkle. It was wonderful, and I have never been so happy since then.

I also remember the painful times as I grew....in first grade, I experienced pain that made my little girl brain begin to turn inward and become very defensive--and learning to do it in a way that projected a smile and goodwill toward other people. If I knew of another child that was going through that today, then I would move heaven and earth to make it better, to make it right for that child--inasmuch as I would be able. It doesn't take long for a child to learn how to hurt and know not to complain. It takes a long time, then, to learn not to hurt--and some of us never learn that.

We need to help children be children. We have to do all we can to keep them from pain that should never be.

Happiness is not easy to find, and I can't seem to keep it very long. Each day something that happens that makes it not-so-great. And I just want to reach out and slap someone, to make people realize that life is hard. That there's suffering and that it's not easy to get to a point where I can keep smiling for more than a few minutes.

But one day I will. I need to believe that. Yesterday we passed by some cemeteries, and it made me think of how we all want success in life..but then I had to figure out what success is. And, in the end, I concluded that success lies in our life's sense of happiness and contentment.

It's not what we do or how much money that we make that makes us suceesssful. When a mother brings a child into the world, she wants that child to be successful, but somehow that always evolves around happiness. If the child becomes a preacher, or a lawyer or a grocery store bagboy, it's OK if the child is happy. I believe a mother would rather have a happy busboy than an unhappy lawyer for a child.

But how do we gain that happiness when it seems that life only offers horrible situations, day after day. It hurts so much to be a child of abuse, or a mother that watches her child cry for the milk she can't afford. Yet, it's not the amount of money we have that makes us happy. It's the way we deal with the situations.

I always tried to present a happy face to children. I wasn't always successful. But today, now that my children are young adults, I surprise myself each time one of them makes a decision that helps them deal with financial shortfalls...as if they are a part of life, and nothing to truly be worried about. As if they know that it will all work out if they just don't spend any money and just wait for their efforts to generate all necessary funds. I would be beside myself in some of their situtations, but it's just another day in their lives--and they set a goal and make it happen. And I apparently helped them learn that skill by not accepting the horrible things, but fighting against the bad and making things as good as possible. I recognize their words when I ask them how they do it...and it's my words coming back at me.

I am glad they learned the lessons I taught but never learned. I hope that I can learn from them, and maybe the circle will come fully around to me. I know I learn more each time I see them handle their frustrations. I taught them a lesson I didn't learn, so now I have to be the student and learn the lesson I taught. I really do have to learn to "do as I say, not as I do."

I went riding on a motorcycle. Really riding...as a passenger, not as the driver. It was wonderful. Everything was green after all the rain. And it gave a great view of Labor Day activities.

Right away, I saw an elderly man going fishing....walking along at about a mile per two hours....and with a great big smile on his face.

Then we saw some people golfing, then some horses. I saw some teens doing a rope swing to jump into the river. There were people fishing from the shore...and some from a boat. There were kids riding bikes, and people mowing lawns. People were driving classic cars, and some were riding some motorcycles. And then there were some that were just visiting. It was wonderful.

And I decided that life should be happy. There are trials and tribulations, but we need to be happy with life and all that is in it. Every day we should strive to enjoy all we have. Now I just have to really learn that lesson.