I keep wondering what my life would be like if I never experienced the incest--or just had a basic childhood. I understand that I will have to deal with the incest every day of my life, and it's not easy. I wonder how easy life would be without the incest, whether there would be something else instead of the incest.

As a child, I know I created imaginary friends--until I heard about Jesus. I was introduced to him as someone that would be my friend, no matter what. He would always be there, even when I couldn't hear him or see him--but I could talk to him. And it was OK. He wasn't like my other imaginary, invisible friends. Jesus was accepted as an invisible friend. I didn't need to make him up. Someone else had already done that. And he was my very best friend, though I didn't know anything about the nativity story, or his ascension. All I knew was that there was a friend there for me. And I truly believe that's all that saved my sanity as a child.

Today, I have another view of faith and the creator of heaven and earth. I believe there is a creator, and that he has more power in his little fingernail than anyone can imagine--and that he engineered this world, a place that he created and hope to make it a good place for people. But he needed to let in the bad things, too, to make it interesting and challenging. And He is good and right.

But, now, I want to know how to live. To enjoy life. To be a person that isn't always on the defensive, who isn't always anxious. Who isn't always concerned about what others think--and worrying how to best lead people to understand that I am a good person. I imagine that other people take life as it comes, and I try--and I do--but to give back to that life is not easy. It's hard.

And I wish that every child in this world can be a child and live life in the fullness that the creator intended. And not having a horrible life.

There's something in children that gives them hope, and that hope is all that keeps some of them going. It's how they deal with the disappointments in the face of their hope that gives us a chance for the future, for happiness. Children need to have hope and happiness, and I want to do all I can to make that happen for every child I know.

I know things are going to get better here. They have to. But, somehow, I needed to write because I can't feel a good way inside me. I want to, and I try to. I want to smile and feel ecstatic.

Instead, my mind is swinging from very low to very high in matter of minutes. I have a sarcastic attitude about so much, and a great sense of responsiblity for others--and all of it is encased in a lady that wants to cry one second and laugh the next. It sure would be nice if I could just be content with what I have.

And I have to write. There is no other outlet. I have to put in words the thoughts that fly through my brain, or at least a few of those thoughts. Not all of them. I can't possibly get them all into the confined space here.

And I want to do something to get rid of all the negative and bring in only hope. I need hope so badly. I know there may be a chemical imbalance that causes these horrible feelings, and I know I probably need professional help--but it's not available with my life.

But it will happen. It has to happen. I want things to fall my way. To line up in a perfect line and get me to Point B. I don't know if I've even gotten to Point A, though.

There's a song that says when you hit rock bottom, the only way is up--or sideways. I've been going sideways too long. Now I have to find a foothold and move up. I just have to find that foothold and pull myself up. Now.

Something happened today. I don't know if it's good or bad. The county finally started a contempt action against my ex for child support. It took long enough!

I know some men out there try their very hardest, and they love their kids, and they would do anything in the world for their kids--even pay child support--if they could. Child support can be a very high cost, and some absent parents can't really make it. And when they can't pay support, to me, that's understandable. You can't get blood from a stone.

But there are others out there that can pay child support. They just don't want to. They don't want to try. When I have an exhusband that's been driving truck for almost thirty years, has almost 4 million miles under his belt, a good driving record, and is the best mechanic I know, there's no reason that he only makes $27,000 a year. And, in the last eight months, child support has been pretty much non-existent. The judge declared that he's deliberately not earning what he can, and he ruled that about three years ago, and now he's not even trying as much as he was then. It's very frustrating. But, you know, he's able to buy a fairly new vehicle, pay for an above-ground swimming pool, buy beef by the complete animal (a full side of beef and a side of pork, together, for instance)--and he can buy anything they need at any time at his house. I know he's doctoring his books and his employer helps him, but there's nothing I can do to prove it--and, even if I could, the county doesn't care. In any case, it's almost three months since I've seen any child support at all--and it's been a struggle.

Anyway, that happened--and I got in touch with an old friend. And she seems to be going through much of the same thing I am. We're going to get together tomorrow night and commisserate together. I don't remember the last time I met a friend to just gab with. I'm really looking forward to it.

I visited the cat. He's looking pretty much his usual self--except for the catheter. He eating like a horse, and he's really pushing around his strength--and he's a very strong cat! They're going to leave the catheter in until Saturday, then try to take it out and see if he goes on us his own by Sunday. They also found out that one of the medicines he started yesterday takes 2-3 days to work, and because it didn't seem to be helping yesterday, they were ready to put him to sleep! I don't know how much I like this vet, but we're all learning, I suppose.

It's a better day. Not much has changed about my circumstances, but at least I didn't just sit back and say, "bring it on!"

I don't know what it will be, but something has to change. Nothing good happens here. It's one negative thing after another, and I can't figure out why.

Tonight my son is probably more depressed than me. He expressed himself by saying that just for one day he'd like everything to go right. This week he bowled badly, his car--which he just paid $140 to fix last week--broke down again, we lost our insurance because we can't pay it, our cat is dying, his cousin is not only calling him for help--but he's calling from my son's ex girlfriend's house. He has a fever, and we can't afford his adderall for his ADD. He's just feeling bad.

And I don't feel any better. Our household has to turn arounda nd feel better about everything. Everything seems to be scattered, nothing together, and we can't seem to do anything the way it issupposedto be done. And nothing happens the way it is supposed to happen.

We, ourselves, have to be generating this because there's no way that life can be this bad all the time. It has to be our attitudes or our ideas, our behaviors...or something we just don't understand.

I'll figure it out. Just not tonight.

I feel like I've lost all rights to my own emotions. My brain is fried. I can't think. My mind keeps wandering back to Stinker and how he may die--and I want to cry. But I talk to others, most of whom symptathize, but some who seem to think that cats have no place on earth. So, instead of defending my love for cats, I laugh with them. I can't even claim my own love for animals.

And I am scared to death that I can't pay some bills. They just keep piling up. I can't get rid of them, and I can't seem to get more money to pay them. And I don't know what I'll do to catch up. I'm scared, and I'm worried, and I feel as if no one cares or even really wants to care.

I worry when I work that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not holding up my part of the bargain. And then I'll get fired, I worry, and will have even less money. But I don't tell anyone that I'm worried. I just keep going and pretending like I know what I'm doing.

And tonight, not only is my mind jumbled, but when I talk, the words are ocming out wrong. They're mixing up the syllables. Like "overreacting" is coming out "reoveracting". And "J.R. Trutwin" is comng out "junior ocean". It's all wrong, and it just keeps getting worse.

I am going to go to bed, and pray. Pray hard. Silently, so my words don't get messed up. Or the prayer.