It is now almost 3:00 in the morning. It's becoming more and more difficult to sleep as each night passes. This is the third time in four nights that sleep escapes me. And I know that I will probably fall asleep about 4:45. Then my alarm will go off at about 5:00. I am not looking forward to tomorrow.

I'm pretty sure anxiety is what keeps me awake. I go to bed worrying about bills, about sick cats, about having to go to my second job that I hate, about not doing social things that I want to do, about being overweight, about kids and all the problems they get into, about needing new tires, about how to do things better at work,.... You name the issue, I'll worry about it.

I just want to take a pill and sleep. But then, no matter how early I take that pill, I end up so drowsy the next day that I might as well not have gotten up in the morning. See? Another thing to worry about!

OK, now I've gotten out of bed instead of staying there--which is what the doctor says you're supposed to do when you can't sleep--my eyes are starting to droop. OK, so they were drooping when I went to bed--still, I need to try to sleep. So, I will once again try to find the comfort of sleep.....

Good night.

Today I could not get away from political advertising. With the election about three weeks away, the ads are getting a bit more pointed, and it's frustrating to watch them. While I definitely prefer the style of one party, I think I may be biased. It's not that I want the democrats to win; it's more that I want the republicans to lose.

And it's not that I don't generally appreciate the republican party--just the party for the past few decades. Before that, I was in high school and I thought one day I'd end up a republican. And then Ronald Reagan happened, and he was followed up by Newt Gingich. Now we have this president whose rhetoric and pattern of actions can be likened to Hitler's actions. Luckily, Bush is in the USA and we have a democratic federation of states whose system of checks and balances will correct the situation.

And it definitely needs to be corrected. I believe wholeheartedly that terrorism has to be stopped. And I believe that Hussein was a horrible leader in a country that needed help--and maybe we should have helped, but we shouldn't have been "persuaded" to help through falsely identifying an enemy that didn't exist as the administration would have us believe. It is verified that weapons of mass destruction did not exist in Iraq--and that Iraq cannot be directly connected to the 9/11 tragedy. Beyond the war, there are problems with the way he handles domestic issues, particularly with regards to the environment and endangered species. He reversed democrats' decisions to help these species--and I get the impression he does so simply because it is the democrats who put them in place; the administration cites to reason to reverse the decisions, they just don't want the policies in place. They have lost several challenges to their policies regarding enemy combatants. He signs bills without liking them--but then mitigates his signature with signing statements. It's as if he is signing the bills for political reasons, but makes an excuse just in case he's eventually proven to have made a poor decision with his sigature. If there never comes a problem with these laws, then no one will ever protest--but if there's a problem, then he can say, "hey, I didn't like that law and I told you that when I signed it." Either way, he can claim political correctness.

The republicans talk about being strong and staying the course. The truth is that they don't care about people and the number of people that have died because they made a bad decision--and then refused to even consider options that might work better, options that just maybe remind them of a liberal's ideas, or worse yet, a democrat's ideas.

I liked Nixon. He was a good president, though there were some bad activities by the republican party even then. But, when Nixon recognized that he did wrong, he resigned. He acknowledged that there was a problem, and he did what was necessary to make it right. And Ford's actions were right in pardoning his predecessor.

But Bush is not Nixon. He is a war monger that relies on his rich cronies to manipulate laws in such ways as to benefit himself and his friends. I don't think he means to hurt the poor people. I think he simply doesn't care. The only thing that is savng him is the people's respect for his wife. He should make her the campaign leader; then maybe we'd get a respectable republican advertising platform.

The one thing that irritates me more than anything else is the repbulicans' advertising that keeps telling us we have to stay the course in Iraq so that we can strike a blow against terrorism, somehow then associating this war with making our country safer. The Iraq war has nothing to do with terrorists attacking the USA, and this needs to be clear.

We should be helping the Iraqi people to enjoy a life free from governement dictatorship, to enjoy a life free from governement harassment--and provide these people freedom to pursue their own ideas of life and liberty, rather than simply following a horrible man's ideals and ideas. THAT is why we need to be fighting this war, so that people can live a life full of hope for the future, hope for freedom from tyranny. And I don't like it when the republicans continue to tell us that we're there to make our own little corner of the world more safe. We are as safe as we've ever been, and it's our job to spread the freedom that we feel--not capture it and hold it by hurting those who don't believe as we do. This is the greatest country on earth, and we need to practice grace and strength through wisdom, not strength through stubborn stupidity.

It is Sunday morning. The sun is shining, and the cool October temperature is not going to stick around today. This is all good, and I want to try to simply enjoy this day.

Next weekend I have to work. It is a job away from home, so this is my last free day for two weeks, and I want to make it calm and quiet. And productive. I have lots to do.

I once heard a co-worker say that Saturdays were for cleaning your house and loving your kids. I liked that, though it seems tat something always came up for Saturdays--something that friends and neighbors needed to schedule for Saturday because it would be the first free day in their week. I try to make Saturday that cleaning and loving day, but it usually drifts over to Sunday.

Sunday is supposed to be the day for church. I used to be very active in the church and would go to every service, weekdays and weekends. Then, somehow, my attendance waned off rather abruptly when it became clear to me that the established churches--and I've attended several, been members of two, board member of one--seem more interested in the dollar than in faith. They espoused to preach the Lord's grace, and worked hard to do missionary work and save sinners, but when you met with the board, it was very clear that tithing was a greater priority than fostering faith.

I do believe that we need to have faith, and we should try to live by that faith. I believe that church can be a great source of strength and inspiration as we live by our faith. But at the heart of that faith and that church should be a respect and worship of God through faith. And no matter which church I've attended, there always comes a time that the preacher focuses on tithing--usually at a time when church finances are reduced and there is a need for more money.

Tithing is proscribed by the Lord. It is necesary, and when honored, it can be a very effective tool a church can have to promote the Lord's work. But the bible talks of titing in giving your best, the top 10% of your best. And the bible does not intend for that to be 10% of your income. In fact, my grandmother used to tell me, if you converted your best to money, then that 10% would need to be changed to 20%. She claimed this was a biblical principal, but I've never bothered to look it up. I never bothered because whether it was 10% or 20%, I contributed a few dollars a week and didn't worry about whether the proper ratio of giving earnings was achieved.

In fact, when I was attending church, I had no money to give. What money I did have, didn't even cover my rent, food and untilities--let alone be enough to also give 10% to the church. I was getting food stamps and medical assistance, and there was no way that I was able to give 10% of my available cash to the church. But I gave a few dollars each week--and then I gave my 10%.

I was not only a Sunday School teacher, but I was the Sunday School director. I often led the singing of hymns--though I would say that fell more in the category of making a grateful noise unto the Lord--and I cleaned the church when my turn on the schedule came about. Not only did I direct the Christmas play, but I wrote it. I worked on the church board, and I contributed to the potluck dinners. I started to work with every group that was there, except the men-only groups, and I was depended upon to do many things that other members of the church didn't have time to do.

Still, with my only income being part time work, raising three young children on my own, and receiving government assistance as I struggled, the preacher got up in the pulpit and declared that everyone, even those receiving welfare checks (this was in the old days, before the current block grant system, when AFCD was a godsend to most of the families in this county), were required by God to give 10% of their money to God and the Church. He declared that by making this a priority, then our spending habits would come in line with the needs of the church and we would all be richer for having all we needed in the Lord's eyes--and doing the Lord's work as we sacrificed the pleasures of the world to do his bidding.

Afterward, not believing what the preacher was saying, I asked him about the people on welfare--whether they were required to give 10% of their government checks. While I had both earned income and help from the government, I had friends who had only government assistance. His reply was that everyone had to give 10% of their money, regardless of its source. He made no allowance for the work we did for the church as part of the tithing process.

So I did ask others in other churches, and they all hemmed and hawed. They recognized that the government assistance was barely enough to keep a person alive, but the churches were requiring their 10$. In fact, my brother couldn't afford to give his 10%, so his church paid him a wage for cleaning the church, and he donated that money right back to the church. He never even cashed the check at the bank. Just signed the back and put it back in the collection plate. The problems was, though, that for food stamp purposes, he got in trouble because he wasn't claiming that money as income. He and the church had figured that he was giving his share to the church, and the check issuance was allowing him to give his 10% of his money, but he never really gained financially--yet, he was taken to court and found guilty of not reporting income. So, while he continued to work at the church, he no longer got food stamps. Luckily, the church donated food to his family after that--and continued to pay him. But he wasn't allowed to collect food stamps after that, and I don't think he's ever tried.

That was his church. My church simply decided you had to give the money--and I understand that if they wanted to , they could remove you from the membership list if they determined you were not tithing as they thought the Lord demanded. And other churches would have similar practices, though no one knew of anyone that had ever been removed from the church's roles for not tithing the proper amount.

Still, when I exercise my faith, I want it to be a direct communication with God. And I would like my contribution to a church to be welcome in whatever form my tithing is provided. And I don't want the government to interfere. My faith is not measured by my income, and the churches should know better.

In the end, I have not been to church in about eight years. I have my faith, and it is tested greatly at times. But I don't believe there's a church out there that rurly recognizes faith as God intended. I will continue to seek that church, but I'm losing hope in finding one.

This has been a busy day. Life at work is picking up, though some of it seems non-productive. Just communication efforts to brag about achievements already past. But I'm trying to make it informative and inspiring.

I wish I oculd inspire the folks in Buffalo--New York and Minnesota. In Minnesota, the people in Buffalo are without gas. In New York, they're without electricity. One has just some kind of problem with the delivery system and the gas pressure coming through some kind of station at the edge of town--but in New York, electricity is out due to the weather. This is not good as we head into winter weather-like conditions.

Here, it's super windy. My best friend decided to go hunting with a camper that he pulls behind his truck. He says he could hardly make it to 60...and my son could barely make 55 earlier today with the trailer he was pulling. I don't know what the winds were measured at, but it felt like December out there.

I got paid today. Yesterday I went to the local food shelf or I still wouldn't have food, even after getting paid today. I know they keep saying there's lots of job creation and that unemployment is down. But I wonder how many people are actually earning a living wage--and how many are really living on credit or on the equity they have in their homes. I feel guilty because I earn more money than a lot of people I know...but I still can't make it. I drive a 13 year old car. I dont' remember the last piece of new clothing I bought. I've been to two movies in the last year, and I only had to pay for one of them. Our family eats a lot of tuna, and hamburger is becoming almost a luxury. I don't smoke; I don't gamble. It's not like I'm spending money in some crazy way, but I just can't make ends meet. And it really makes me feel crazy for not being able to make it while earning more than a lot of other people.

My headache has been doing better today. I only notice it if I turn my head quickly or lean over and then come back up. If I stayed with my head down, I guess I'd be fine. People might get a bit upset with having to talk to my big rearend, though.

This weekend I have lots to do. I hoe I get some energy to do it all...or at least enough energy to "encourage" my children to help.

I don't feel well tonight, but it's a whole lot better than last night. Actually, I kind of feel numb...because I think all the meds yesterday kind of spaced me out.

And today as been a long day. A very long day. And at the end of the day at work, I got called intot he president's office for a review of an account. Most people in a decent sized company would be feeling pretty good that the president doesn't think anything about calling you into his office...and I think newer people in the office are probably in awe of him. I pretty much do what I like at work, and I pretty much have no direction except that I can't insult customers. I mostly respond to emails and coordinate sales activities for my group. It's pretty easy and doesn't take a lot of effort, but somehow it's gotten me to where I am.

So, is that success? To have a freedom at work that reflects the trust of the upper echelong of management? To be trusted to work and make it all work right. I am an hourly employee with regular hours, but if I feel like leaving, I just leave. I don't have to ask. It's like when I was on salary...I just have to make sure that somehow I get my forty hours in. It's a great job, and I know that the compan appreciates me. And they felt so strongly that they wanted me back that they lured me back when I had left to work for a prestigious law firm. I guess that's success...but I really don't know why I can't get enthused about it any more.

There was a time, a short time ago, that I couldn't wait to go to work. Now I try to put off gettng there until the last minute, and won't work a second of overtime. Of course, it would be stupid to do so since I"ve streamlined the process so much that I"m done with my work after two hours of work each morning. At one time, I was getting at least a day's worth of over time each week...and a whole lot more at times.

I hope something happens to get me motivated again somewhere. To feel good, and challenged, to be at work. And maybe at home, too.

I just want to feel good.