Tonight I saw the movie, "Borat." I would not recommend that anyone see this movie. It is bad. Very bad. I kept waiting for the end and some socially-responsible message, maybe some kind of epihpany. It never came.

Today I had to send a package to Kazakhstan. And when I saw this movie, apparently about a newspaper reporter traveling to America at the Kazakhstan governement's expense to see what he could film to improve life in Kazakhstan. If I were a citizen in the real world of Kazakhstan right now, I would be deeply offended.

Never in my life have I ever wanted to censor anyone's speech. But if I were the government of Kazakhstan, I think I would ask the USA government to do something to limit the showing of this piece of junk. This was just plain bad.

There was one message that was realistic--essentially, it reinforced the idea that "you can't teach an old dog new tricks." And I hope the audience realizes how stupid some of their personal prejudices might be.

There were some truly offensive scenes in this movie, and I--yes, even I, normally a mild mannered, freedom loving, liberal person--would not be offended if this movie were declared totally unsuitable for public viewing.

The one think this movie did is make you treasure all the freedoms we do have, and to remind us how tolerant we have learned to be. I kept waiting for the end, certain that there would be some kind of salvo at the end that thrust in the true, inspirational meaning of this film. It never happened, and it was insulting. Exactly what every person that is offended by prejudice has ever felt.

I paid money for this movie, and I truly hope no one else spends money to see this--to help some person find financial gain by promoting such horrible stereoptypes and prejudices.

This movie is unbelievable in the manner by which it portrays the depths of horrific behaviors promoted by this supposedly-respected foreign reporter. I know I feel I betrayed myself and those people I respect by watching the whole thing. I apologize to myself--and, if no one else has done so--I, personally, apologize to the good people of Kazakhstan for this twisted display by ignorant people. Please believe me when I say that we do not really see people in Kazakhstan in this light, and I truly do respect you. I am sorry that this film uses your country's respected name, and I hope you do understand that good Americans could never take pride in this movie.

I am not sure what I need in this life, but I think I need more than I have. Not physical things. I need a new interest, something that will take my mind and focus it. I want to do too many things, so it sounds crazy to want to add something. But all those things that I have in my life right now make it all go crazy because none of it interests me enough to focus my mind.

When I'm at work, I'm good. I do it, and I do it well. I'm not bragging. I'm saying that there I have a skill that keeps me on the top of my game, a skill that keeps me focused on that job. All the things around me at work stay organized because I do them just to get them out of the way, to get them in a way that supports my main focus. I need that same kind of focus point in my life.

My brain jumps all over and starts one thing, then moves to another. I need it to focus on one thing and do all these other things as an adjunct, a support system for the focus.

Now, I have to figure out what that focus will be. Whatever it is, it has to be interesting. Interest catching and interest sustaining.

Tonight I am just not sure what to think about family. I have a son about to graduate high school. His father had said he would give the graduation party, but now has backed out. I'm sure my son wanted a party to rival his older brother's, which was a roaring success largely because his dad is a fun guy that provided a bit more libation that I would.

While I can provide a party, it is nowhere near what my son wants--and I just can't give him the kind he wants. Not only would it not be me, but the friends that associate with me and my son are few and far between. My relationship with my son is good, but we're not very publicly social butterflies. But when he's with his dad, the two are the best of friends.

Now, though, his dad is mad at me because the county is taking him to court after almost 18 years for child support issues. He blames me and has advised that he will not have the party, nor will he come to the party. And he knows this will hurt our son, but his objective is to make me give in and tell the court that he doesn't have to pay child support. He knows that I would do anything for my son, but I won't do that.

He is hurting our son, not me. He is disappointing his son and all his friends--my ex husband's, that is. Our son's friends aren't really expecting much. But our son had been looking forward to the party that was promised to him last summer by his dad, and it hurts me to know what is happening.

I want to throw a big, successful party for him, and I'll do what I can. I'm also not giving up on my ex. I hope that when we go to Court at the end of this month, then he'll realize that I have nothing to do with this court date. The county does--though it is me he hasn't paid, the county did this independent of me. Yes, I could sign the paper that says he doesn't need to take responsiblity to pay child support, but that won't stop this hearing. The contempt is for the support that's owing from the past, and I can't change that.

I also feel badly because my own family is so at odds with one another. My brother did that deliberately, and I don't think he knew how many people this would affect--or for how long. But right now my family is not comfortable with each other, and I certainly don't feel like asking them to come to my home for a party. It makes me want to cry. And I have cried lots.

I want to say life isn't fair. But, the truth is, life is fair. It is us people that don't respect life and our relationships. I think we all need to be good to each other because sometimes it's too hard to make it right once it's lost the way.

I am needing some kind of pathway to self control. I am a smart woman, but I can't seem to manage my money. And I certainly can't conrol my eating. I need to do something to structure these two areas of my life. Not only are they out of control, but the fact that I do not have control is creating another area that needs to be addressed.

I hope that by writing this, it will solidify in my mind at least a small part of the path--and if I repeat it often enough, maybe it will get enough pieces of the path together to make it a complete pathway.

For the last couple nights, I've woken up at 3:00 with my heart just pounding in my chest. It felt like it was racing, but I didn't actually time it. So I thought I'd better visit the doctor, thinking I'd get a lecture on my weight. Instead, my vitals were almost perfect--except that my heart was a little fast, but not too bad at 80 beats per minute. My blood pressure was good at 128/72, my temp was 98.6--and looking back at my cholesterol check at about 128 (total), everything seemed normal. But then she listened to my lungs as I breathed (and coughed). I don't know what she heard, but she ordered an EKG and a chest x-ray--both of which she said was pretty much normal. However, she still put me on a 24-hour heart monitor and I'll know more tomorrow.

But, she told me, after looking at the tests we've done so far, she thinks I'm having anxiety attacks and maybe drinking too much caffeine, which doesn't help the anxiety. But how can I have an anxiety attack in my sleep...unless it's something happening in my dream? I know I had a bad dream last night, but I think it was after the racing heart beat. I can't remember too much since I was sleeping, but I remember being in a castle and somehow being really small...and being afraid of something to do with the walls, but I can't remember what.

She also said my ear canal was irritated, but the ear drum looked good. So, in the end, until we finish this monitoring and get the results, for now all she can tell me is to cut back on caffeine and try to reduce stress. Once she gets the result back, we'll maybe know more.

I hope so.