Today I went to Court on the contempt hearing against my exhusband. The County brought the action, and I was happy to think that we might be able to use the threat of jail as leverage to force full support payments for the last six months before my child turns 18. I checked in early and waited out in the hall by the courtroom. After a while I looked down the hallway and my ex was gone. I went to the checkin desk to tell them I wanted to make sure I was in the Court room when they called my case. They advised that I could sit in the courtroom and then I would be sure to be there when my file was heard. I went to go in and found them already in the middle of my file. I was so upset I almost cried. But I interrupted, risking the judge's ire, and informed the Court that I was in the courtroom and that no one had bothered to call me into the hearing--though I was the Plaintiff. I was not a happy lady.

I made it clear to the court that I had some issues to bring up against the County's action. It had been apparent that my ex had been arguing that he couldn't afford to pay and was contesting the county's action. And the judge was trying to find out why my ex had no attorney before addressing, as he called it, "this mess". In the end, the judge--who was new on this file after the old judge was re-assigned to the appellate court--ordered that me, my ex and the county all have a settlement conference to see if we could come up with a compromise rather than have a contested hearing. I have been wanting this kind of meeting for about eight years, and I was happy to have it.

But when we got to the meeting, in a room with one glass wall showing into the entire county attorney's office, my ex started yelling and rising to the level of physical intimidation--as long as it was just me and the county agent in the room with him. The employees, particularly the male employees, in the county attorney's office kept peering through the glass wall--clearly concerned about my ex's aggrssion--when the very young assistant county attorney made his way into the room. Then things got a bit better as far as the physical intimidation was concerned, but my ex continued to be very bitter and was very aggressive in his tone and his words.

The judge had said before the meeting that we would probably end up with no one being happy. Not me, not my ex--and not the county. But I had gone into the court intending to ask that the judge order that as long as the final six months of support be paid every month in full, then my ex wouldn't have to worry about jail time. I was even prepared to forfeit the thousands of dollars of back support, or arrearages, if I could get at least these last six months of child support in full on a regular basis. In the end, my offer to let my ex pay the basic child support as a condition of purging the contempt's jail time was honored. I also suggested we freeze the interest and allow the medical support accrue as arrears in those months he could not pay. The county suggested to my ex that he apply for a reduction in child support, but he refused--saying that every time he did so, he ended up paying more than he did before his request. He also refused to apply for a public defender, but said he would not qualify--that he had applied many times and never qualified. He also said he couldn't bring in his tax records as the court ordered--because he hasn't filed for several years because he said he couldn't afford to file taxes after he paid child support (but which he didn't pay). My thought is that he did not provide his income in any form because he knew his child support would increase--and he is doing everything he could to not pay his child support as it is, so he sure doesn't want his income to be reviewed.

If I didn't have to live with my kids for the rest of their lives, then I wouldn't have been so generous. The man needs to help pay support, and he should know better. But I made a very generous offer--far more generous than he deserves. And he accepted. He tried to tell the judge he accepted because he has no real choice, but the judge wouldn't take that. In the end, the ex said he agreed to the offer with no qualifying language. And that was all it took.

However, he made it clear that he is in transition between jobs...and I won't get another child support payment until the middle of January. Why doesn't this surprise me? But, according to the agreement, he still has to pay full support even in January. And, when asked when his last check from his current employer would be issued, his response was "there'll be no more money from her." That was it. He didn't say he was not getting another pay check, just that his current employer would not be paying any more child support. It made me mad that he continues to play his games--and that's what he and his friend and current employer are doing--but there really wasn't too much I can do without the suport of the county, and it was clear the county has no intention of following up on the issue.

Well, we'll see how it goes. With Christmas just passed, and I'm very happy it has--though I feel like there was no Christmas spirit anywhere and we all seemed to just go through the motions--this agreement was a good present. At least I can hope for child support for the next six months. Whether the gift will be delivered has yet to be seen.

My head hurts. It's been hurting for three days, and each night I've awoken thinking I needed to cut the pain or head for the ER. I've been able to stop the pain, but it keeps coming back, and I hate it. So today I went to the clinic and had an injection of toradol. It's a non-narcotic, but it helps a whole lot better than nepergan and demerol used to. Today it took the pain, but I can't sleep, and I'm so very, very exhausted. But I can't sleep.

I guess I've been lucky. I haven't had such a headache for a while. But it's almost Christmas, so I should have known one was due. I always seem to have one at Christmas. Of course, they usually happen exactly on the holiday, so this one's early--but, actually, I was trying to be proactive and went in after only three days. I thikn it would have gotten worse if I had waited until Christmas. I really hate Christmas. Nothing every goes right on Christmas.

It's my son's 22nd birthday today. He called to tell me he went to the new Hooters for supper. They made him get up on a chair, he said, and hold a menu under each arm and flap them like a chicken--as they sang happy birthday to him. I keep thinking how my very best friend hates going to Applebees because five years ago they sang happy birthday to him and gave him a free dessert. He would have died if he had to get up on a chair and flap his arms like a chicken. And Tom was wished a Happy 16th birthday....that wouldn't have gone over with my friend.

We'll celebrate his birthday here tomorrow as we have our Christmas celebrtion. I sure hope I sleep tonight and that my headache is gone tomorrow. At least it's not quite as bad as it could be.

I am going to go get something to drink, then go to bed. These headaches sure make me thirsty. I think I've drank at least six cans of diet pepsi in the last three hours. I am just really, realy thirsty--and really, really tired. And I know people might think it's the caffeine that's keeping me awake=-but that's not right since it's caffeine free. Now, I'll go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day...

Christmas is coming, and I don't know what to do. It is not a happy time for me. It feels more like a time that I have to force a smile and try to be happy for everyone, when all the time I want to go curl up in a corner and cry.

Christmas is supposed to be a celebration. A time that families come together and enjoy their love, their caring and their relationships. It's supposed to be a time of giving and of singing, of reminding each of us that life is good and hope is eternal in everyone.

I read a comment that said sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. I liked that. And at Christmas time I fake it more than any other time. I fake the smiles, and I fake the happiness. Those who are close to me know that I am not all that I could be...they know who I used to be and how truly happy I was to be with people. They used to see me as the life of the party, and the party kept going as long as I was there. Now, my presence seems to assure that the happy times are done.

But maybe it's just my own perception of the situation. If I don't feel excited about something, maybe I'm placing my own dull perception on those around me. Maybe they've never been as excited to be with me as I imagined.

But it's more than the sadness in social situations. It's more that I simply don't feel joy any more. I constantly worry about money...and Christmas is a time that is intended for spending money. I like to shop, but I hate the thought that I am spending money that I can't afford, but I know that Christmas is a time for giving--and the gifts are about the only thing I have left for a Christmas tradition. I think that I'm about at the point that I never want to give gifts again--and never want to celebrate Christmas.

I don't feel like I can celebrate with my original family any more. They don't project the joy I want to feel. And my own children are too busy to enjoy more than a fleeting few minutes for a brief dinner. One day they will be older and have their own families, and maybe then I'll feel like we are truly honoring the Christmas season.

And the family that I will join as part of my future husband's life, well, that family is just a bit too formal for my enjoyment. I can deal with it, but they don't exude the joy that I want. They seem to go through the motions of Christmas, but they aren't truly experiencing the joy of the season the way it was meant.

So why do we even celebrate the season?

I don't know if I know any more. I think I'm dreaming of a season that maybe never really existed. And I want it to be so real...but it's not...

I am trying very hard to be happy this Christmas season. I want to smile and be happy. But I hate it. I love the idea of the traditional, happy Christmas with a loving family and simple gifts that are given out of love and cheerfulness. But the reality is that Christmas is expensive and the kids don't care about he meaning of Christmas as long as the gifts are not expensive--and not clothes.

My original family doesn't get along. There is a rift that is not going to be healed by anything short of a miracle, and even the miracle of Christmas doesn't bring us together.

I am a divorced mother of young adults between 17 and 23. They don't care about being at home with me. They want to get out and party. And it really doesn't make me feel good about celebrating with them.

My good friend, whom I want to marry one day, takes it all in stride, but he just doesn't get the idea that a single mom wants a good Christmas for her children. While it is good that he keeps me in line as far as budgets and time spent on preparation, he just doesn't understand why a mother wants her children to find their wishes fulfilled under the tree...even as adults.

They canceled the Christmas party at work due to lack of interest. We would have had to chip in and pay for the appetizers...and the company was not sponsoring it.

And then I read yesterday about the young man who won't be allowed home due to incest. I understand why the family would do this, but I also wish they could understand so much more than they are willing to see--that maybe this young man is genuinely sorry for his actions. But maybe he's not. I know what it's like to be the victim of incest where the other party does not regret his actions, and that hurts a lot. But, in any case, the family needs to provide an opporunity for them to be whole again, and I hope they understood this.

I hope my mood improves over the next week. I really want to enjoy Christmas this year. And to not cry!

Today I read an advice column with a letter from a lady whose stepson was in foster care after being discovered to be involved in an incestuous relationship with two girls in her family. The lady's husband wanted his son, her stepson, home for Christmas--but the lady told him that if his son came home, then she was out of there. The advice columnist agreed with her.

I sure hope that there was more in the letter than appeared in the paper. There wasn't enough there for the columnist to give such advice. She advised that the young man needed to complete his treatment and not be finding ways to get out of the care that he obviously needed, according to her.

I think the family need counseling, not just him. And I wish that the columnist would have advised this, and allowed him home for a holiday...properly supervised. Families need to provide support, loving support, and a real framework to build upon. This young man is not forgiven for anything...and I think he needs to be respected for the changes he is making and allowed credit for his effort. I would not go so far as to say he shouldn't suffer, because he should if he initiated the actions--but the letter didn't even say that much.

Incest should not be hidden, and the perpetrators need to be brought to light so that everyone is aware of the issues. Maybe the exact actions don't need to be reviewed at every turn, but there needs to be a general acknowledgment of the negative behaviors, and there needs to be a show of genuine remorse on his part...genuine enough to accept the counseling and to work to make things as right as can be, though it will never be perfect...no for the recipient of his unawanted actons. But, still, we need to know that life can be good and all of us have good hidden somewhere inside us...and this young man needed to know right from wrong, good from bad--and aware that life offers real and true opportunities, and I srely hope that young man understands the options he may have.