I am fat. I am beyond overweight. I am humongous. And I need to find a way to lose weight.

I've tried diets and excercise. Sometimes they work. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they work for a while, then my desire for food makes it fail. In the end, I weigh more than anyone should.

It has to be a mind thing. Maybe a chemical in my mind, but still a mind thing. I need to figure out why I can't lose weight, and then I have to use that to do better.

I am going to try to eat less tomorrow. That's where I'm starting now. No specific diet. No specific exercises. I'm just going to try to eat less and move more. And then I'm going to go from there.

There were tears falling down my cheeks tonight. And they surprised me. Very much. I didn't know why I was crying. And then as I sat there, the pain surged...and I thought the top of my head was going to explode. And it wasn't all that big a pain. On a scale of 1-10, with 10 being an unimaginable amount of pain, and 0 being pain free, this was probably about a 3-4. It just totally surprised me that I was crying from a pain that I didn't even feel.

There was a time in my life that I had a headache 24 hours a day. They have not been as frequent lately...now I wonder if they're there and I don't even know it?

But, in the end, no pain is a good thing...even through the tears.

Bush went on television tonight to try to encourage the American people to embrace his plan to send an additional 20,000 troops to Iraq. He had some good arguments, but not good enough. He talked about how past efforts have failed because as soon as we'd clear an area of insurgents, we'd move on and they'd come right back--and that our troops haven't had the authority to go into some places that would have made a difference. This time, he says, it will be different.

I don't think it will be any different until the Iraqi people use justice with an unprejudiced hand. The governement talks about "sectarian violence" promulgation by "insurgents" within the different factions in Baghdad and other areas. And out of the other side of their mouth, they want Americans to support the war in order to prevent terrorists from attacking us on our own soil. Before anything is accomplished in the way of establishing peace, people need to recognize that the insurgents ARE terrorists. They are people fighting against the established government, and we need to battle against terrorism--not against "sectarian violence".

And the local police need to become as neutral as they possibly can be as they battle the terrorists and lawbreakers in their area. They need to address violations of law, no matter who is committing it-and they need to make sure that each person is treated fairly for the crime they committed, not as a punishment that will teach others not to do the same--but as a punishment that will teach that individual not to do the same. By forcing discipline in a world that's already resisting it, ramming it down the entire community's throats will not encourage compliance. But, by treating each person with the respect that justice metes to the individual, the local government will command a greater respect by the community than would be if they were force fed something they don't want to accept.

Bush's additional troops may or may not help reduce the violence, but they aren't going to stop the resentment until respect is earned. We certainly are not earning it now.

I went to my second job this weekend. And I stayed a lot longer than I intended. I do respite care for a lady that rarely gets out of the house except for the purpose of providing care to others. She waited for this weekend for a long time...and celebrated the new year a little belatedly. And maybe a little much, at least according to the police. They stopped her last night and she is charged with alcohol related offenses. So I ended up staying until this morning.

I can't say exactly what her charges are. It doesn't matter for my purposes. I can say that she inconvenienced a lot of people, including three people that were to beging work with her training them in how to care for developmentally delayed people. Those people probably need that income. I didn't get my check for the weekend because I had to leave before she got home. Another lady had to get up early and come take over for me at 7 a.m. Still another lady had to take her morning to go up and help her get out of jail and get her automobile out of impound. Another lady needed to talk with her, and she still hasn't heard from her at least twenty four hours later. She's going to lose her license in a week--for a full year. If there were these many consequences in just a day, I can only imagine all the consequences she will incur over the next year. I have no idea what this will end up costing her, but I'm guessing $10,000--and that doesn't include how much time and money it will cost the rest of us around her. Do you know how many rides she's going to need? And I have to wonder if she'll be able to keep her job....

It seems to me that DUI laws are written to favor the police officers, and once you are stopped and the process begun, it's a pretty sure thing that you will not walk away. There really is no defense because once you enter the system, the burden of proof is on the accused--and the accusor has all the rights and assumptions of law. There is no innocence until proven guilty.

I think, in my mind, the law might be .08 to be considered legally intoxicted--but I think it would be best to think that you are affected by alcohol at .01--and then never drive after drinking so little as a single drop of alcohol.

But, then, I'm not one to talk. I get totally drunk after half a glass of beer, so there's no way I'd drive after even a half a drink. So I'm not one to judge, and I don't like to think I'd judge anyone. I think what we need to do is to simply know our limit for drinking and driving is less than a drink in the four hours previous to driving.

But that's easy for me to say....

Tomorrow after work I have to go to work. A second job, that is. I wonder how many others out there have to take a second job to make ends meet? And how many need a first job? And how many need a job, know they need a job, but don't really take any steps to get a job?

I know a couple people that seem to get jobs, then leaves them right away. They can't seem to hold a job for love nor money. And one has to wonder why.

I know I used to do the same. I'd take a job and then find some reason to leave it. I had a husband or some other kind of income, and the job was just a supplement. I didn't really need the job to survive, but it helped to have the earnings.

Now I need a job to survive. And I make more money than most of the people from where I came from ever dreamed of making. Yet I can't seem to make ends meet. I have to take a second job, and even then things are tight. It's not easy. And, so, I wonder: how can people not keep a job for any length of time and just wander from one to another? These are people that have no other income, no benefits and no way of knowing where they'll sleep from one tnight to the next. Why wouldn't they try so very hard to keep that job?

But I know a reason. Maybe not the only reason, but a reason. These people need more. They need more respect than minimum wage jobs permit. Minimum wage jobs are a dime a dozen, and the people that take them know they can be replaced---and they can replace others in similar jobs. And their lives are already miserable, and the earnings they make are gone before they get paid...so why work? They can be just as miserable with a job or without a job. What they really need is more respect and a reason to think they are getting more than they get with a job that anyone can get. They need a reason to continue.

Most employers can't give better wages,but they can give respect. I sure hope the employers know that people who earn minimum wage are working just as hard as the employee who earns a mint of money. And they deserve respect for doing a job that needs to be done.