Tonight I caught a story on PrimeTime that featured Patty Wetterling,the mother of a young man (Jacob Wetterling) who disappeared near here on October 22, 1989. I remember that day because my son was still a baby, I was working my first full time job at a location very near to the place he disappeared, and I--as a young, single mother-- was horrified at the thought that this boy had disappeared. I have never stopped wondering about what happened to Jacob.

There have been a lot of rumors here. Everything from his family having some hillbilly relatives in North Carolina come and kidnap the boy and hide him back in the hills somewhere--to get "sympathy money" from charitable people (because, the story went, the family had overspent and was deep in debt and needing money)----to a story that two rather dreadful felons-to-be were drunk and looking for some rather lude fun (and there has been a story that one of the men confessed to taking him and killing him to a jailmate). Another story is that Jacob was big into hockey and a former coach was totally fascinated by the boy and kidnapped him to fill a very unusual sexual fantasy. Still another is that Jacob had a secret, different biological father, and that father took him. When another young woman was kidnapped and killed, her killer was found to have taken pleasure in kidnapping males and females, young and old, and sexually abusing them in a very depraved manner, and then he burned their bodies out in the middle of nowhere--and some people wonder if Jacob was one of his victims. When the two boys were found a month or so ago in Missouri with a man that kidnapped both of them, it was thought that maybe Jacob had been one of the man's earliest victims. The man would have been about 24 at the time--but no one can show that man was ever near Minnesota at the time. Yet another story, supposedly from a psychic, is that Jacob was kidnapped, abused, killed and is stored in a big, commercial type of freezer somewhere. The stories continue....

I don't normally repeat gossip, but in this instance, I do so because when a child disappears, it is a true tragedy, and we often don't know what happened. In this case, I wonder about a couple details that seem somewhat strange. The first is that Jacob was with two other boys when he was taken. The man asked how old each was, and he selected Jacob from the three. Jacob was not the oldest (12 or 13) nor the youngest (9). He was 11. So, I wonder why the age made a difference. I am thinking a kidnapper that wanted to fulfill a perverted fantasy would select the younger boy--and if he wanted someone for some other reason, like a strong young man that he could work, well, then he would take the older boy. So, I'm thinking, he was either watching specifically for Jacob and his brother and wanted to take the older one (the 12 year old was a friend)--or maybe he was looking for a child to replace one that he had lost (such as a son who had died and the man felt a boy to bring him back through Jacob). I wonder....

The other thing I find curious is that he used a gun to kidnap a boy out in the middle of nowhere, really...on a night that Jacob was allowed to go out for the very first time. Then he wouldn't have planned specifically for Jacob based on a pattern of Jacob's behavior.... But, he wasn't worried that the other two boys would recognize him, either by voice or by general walking manner, or some other memorable feature.... And, apparently, his vehicle was not seen by either boy, but he disappeared very fast. He told the two boys to run to the nearby woods without looking back, and they dropped their bikes.... he had to have known that these boys would never casually see him again, and that leads me to believe he was not from the immediate area, nor was he in a leadership position (like a coach) that would regularly visit there. But, he had planned this to the point where he knew how to get the boys to run to a specific place--and he was in a place that he knew he could get Jacob out of there before the boys ran too far. The home was not that far away, so he had to be able to either get out of there fast--or disappear into the area because no one would have suspected him.

And now I wonder, after 18 years, if he is alive, why hasn't he come forward? The story tonight pointed out that these children are easily brainwashed and/or come to believe they are someone else, and they have no idea that they are someone that people are looking for and hoping to find. I know that can explain some people, but surely not all? Because I've never heard of it happening, I wonder why men that were kidnapped like this as children never come forward and let us know what really happened? Surely there are some adults out there that were kidnapped as a child that could shed a light on some of this...but I've never heard of it. I've heard of some runaways being found as adults, but never anyone that had been kidnapped like Jacob coming forward years later to explain the way it was. I suspect in some of those cases, the young people feel their families remain under threat of death should they talk--and in other cases, they could not really believe their families really want to find them. Still, wouldnt' you think that some of these young people would eventually come forward so we can better understand....

I hope Jacob is eventually found alive. I fear we'll never know what happened to this young man with a wonderful grin....

I don't often read other people's blogs. By the time I'm done writing, I'm tired and want to go to bed. But I've taken some time to read some, and they are pretty good. All of the four I glanced through were good. I can't say that they all were mature and written by English majors, but they all got their points across, and I appreciated them all. I think blogging must do a lot of people a lot of good.

I have had a long day, a long week. And it's only Wednesday. I have a working weekend planned--but working here at home. I heard somewhere that Americans work harder and play harder than any other countries' citizens. And we have far fewer vacations and holidays than other countries'. I think we should all form some kind of unionized, spiritual movemet or something--something that will allow us all at least one day a month of paid holiday or vaction....plus two weeks' every year--two weeks that have to be tken in one solid block.

But, I will keep working...and not taking vacation. I need the money too badly, and I would feel too guilty that my customers suffer because I'm not there. I've been told I'm a "company girl", but it's more that I need an income and I need to feel like I'm a necessary part of something. And work provides it all.

I will have a heart attack one day, I'm sure. I want to slow down, lose weight and relax. But it's not going to happen until I figure life out. And I think that's probably a tall order.

It was a beautiful day outside today. Unfortunately, I was inside all day. It was a long day at work, and I fear that the next few months will not be any better.

But two people let me know today that other companies aren't doing as well. One is in the steel industry and his employer asked for volunteers to go home today...after laying off people last week. The other person worked in the blood plasma industry, and she got laid off because the company became more efficient with computer programs. Neither one really has other jobs around here in their fields. I hope the one stays employed and the other finds employment.

My exhusband's brother's funeral was today. He was definitely an alcoholic, but they didn't do an autopsy to find out why this man in his mid-40's really died. At least they didn't verify it. They found he had several strokes over last weekend and ended up in the local hospital's outpatient area--and they then had him transported to Regent's hospital in the Cities. Tests showed the strokes, a few more blood clots in his brain--and a donut-shaped hole in a lung. They didn't know if it was cancer or an infection, but whatever it was, the poor man didn't stay with us.

During the last week, I came to understand that this man--who was very much like my ex--left his wife and child twenty years ago. He said he left because he felt he couldn't live up to their expectations, and he never talked with them again. Apparently, his family honored that decision and didn't communicate much with his ex-wife and child, either. When the man lie on his deathbed, the family would not call the now-adult child to tell him about his father--until he was dead. They figured the two couldn't talk to the man while he was alive, they didn't need to know about his death before it happened. Only, after he died, it was only then discovered that the rift was caused by this man and his own stubbornness--he was the one who refused the communication, not the other way around.

This all struck home because my ex left me when he, a truck driver, had another lady pregnant at the same time I was. Her baby was born exactly three weeks after mine. Me, fool that I was, I would have taken him back--but he refused, even after the other lady dumped him later, saying that once the trust is gone, it can't come back. He told me that he was talking about my trust in him, not his trust in me. I think he was just talking a line. He then went to another lady that was our neighbor at one time--and when I had asked him during our marriage if things were going on, because of rumors I'd heard and actions he'd taken, he told me he was just a friend of a good neighbor's. But then he went to her right away after telling me he couldn't come back to me--and it took me a year, in the meantime, for him to make contact with our kids. At the time, he had no intention of visiting regularly with them. I insisted, though, that he keep in contact and keep calling him--and he did. He came to know my kids well, though his first wife and the one after me rarely let him see the other kids (or so he said). In the end, now, he and my kids are closer to him than any of the others--and I truly appreciate that, though I also resent that he has also spoken very negatively of me to them. He didn't really say anything that wasn't true, but he twists it and makes it sound horrible. Luckily my kids know me and have a good relationship with me. Still, it hurts to know that he deliberately tries to draw a wedge between my kids and me, and sometimes it takes a lot of patience and unspoken words to let the kids make up their own minds about things.

This is coming home tonight because he's doing it again, now that he's been here in town for a week due to the funeral. It's like he focuses on making me look bad to his kids, and he does everything he can to make my life difficult. I know a lot of other ladies would have exploded on him, but I just sit back and try to hold my tongue. It's hard, but I'll make it.

But I won't keep insisting he communicate with them. The youngest one is a stubborn child who definitely makes up his own mind and goes his own way--and that irritates my ex. My ex wants him to yell at me and scream at me, and just as he did with my older two, he wants this youngest child to threaten to leave and to to his father's home. It isn't working, though, and that's making life even more tense between me and the older kids because they are trying to stay out of it...by being silent to me and not repeating words that their father said.

It's hard not to drag details from children, but I'll let it go...and blog here so I have at least one way of screaming my frustration. My kids will be fine, and it's only my mind that goes ballistic in this relationship....

I am tired and ready to scream, yell or cry. I'm not sure which.

I worked all weekend, and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I get home and the house is not at all what I want it to look like. All weekend it's been reinforced to me through different comments how large I am, and how less than fantastic my house looks. I've been reminded how messy my bedroom is, and how embarrassed some people are to be thought to be seen with me. At least that's how it seems.

I realize that I need to eat more healthy foods, and I need to exercise. I know that. But somehow it hurts when people keep telling you that, as if I don't know the obvious.

I want to make an excuse, too, about how my house looks, and say how much I work. That's true. I work a lot. But I still have some time at night to clean. But I really am tired. I can't keep going every minute I'm awake. I'd like to use the fibromyalgia as an excuse, too, but that's not a luxury I have as no one seems to believe there is any physical problems in my life. The truth is, if I could stay home in the mornings and clean, I think it would look better. But the energetic times of my day are spent at work...and then I'm feeling very lazy because I can't physically move at night.

I want help! And not just on those occasional days when my daughter does clean..but every day. I don't think I'll get it.

THIRST

The thirst the body feels is real
When a lack of flavor screams
For satisfaction from immersion
In bubbles of sweet bitterness.

No need for vitamins and minerals
From textured foods of plants
Nor nutty bites of podded seeds
To sate the need the thirst exclaims.

Worthless, dangerous concoctions
Are craved from deep within
And easily imagined draughts of juice
Enhance the deeply placed desire.

Such imagined taste fails to bless
As does a long, drab, bland coolness.