I am not doing great tonight. I am almost beside myself, and I know this is not rational. The most immediate issue is my son was disciplined at work and removed from his shift tonight because the manager said he didn't do enough work on Friday and Saturday...and I know I'm his mother and a bit biased, but I do know that when I stopped there on Friday, he was definitely working--but another worker, when I asked where my son was, told me he was "hiding" behind a building and "pretending to work." But when I found him (it's a job that allows him to chat while he works), he was working the store manager (not his immediate supervisory manager that disciplined him) at a job that required his physical strength (he's a big guy with lots of muscles) and would have, in my opinion, taken time from doing what he would have normally done. I want to go tell his manager (my other son's best friend) that he is unfair--but I know better, and I have to stay out of it, but I really think it's so totally unfair!

Instead, I need to sit back and let my son handle this in his own way. That's not easy for me to do, but I'm making every attempt...

Then, at work, all the things that I had stated and questioned in the past few months seem to be coming back at me--straight in my face. All the reactions that are happening are exactly what I predicted, and are reworking the same decisions I had earlier questioned....all of them ar things I could say "I told you so" about, and I just sit back and let the issues play out. One thing in particular ticked me off...I had questioned a quote that the new manager (my immediate supervisor) had directed me to do,though I voiced a few things he should have looked at. Now, today, someone else questioned it when it went to the credit department...all the way up to the top of the management change--and, then, when I had to go to my supervisor with the big guy, my manager pretended he couldn't remember why he had me quote that way and said he had to do some research to recall why he did what he did. He knows why we quoted as we did....!

And, at the same time, again I've been telling a customer something based on instructions from management...another customer/another issue...and today I'm told that management was wrong, and I now have to go back AGAIN and tell another client that we gave bad advice!

And then there were two incidents where other departments seemed to think we didn't know what we in my department were doing so they stopped all action on two orders because they assumed we hadn't considered the issues that they were so concerned about...but we had covered those issues and more! But, now, my customers that I have to deal with are upset because once again I have to tell them there are unexpected delays while we get our ducks in a row. And, the reality is, they are in a row but someone in the rear seems to think that we need to rework the line and reassemble after we make sure that all the ducks are mallards!

Then, there's a 4-day conference that my supervisor wants me at so that I can be with all the different customers and get to know their issues "intimately." SO, the CSM had to change me from 2 to 4 days...which would have been great if, as I had thought, I could actually go to the conference and do the work my supervisor wants me to do. Maybe even get a break from the regular job. Instead, the CSM agreed to the 4 days, but I have to bring a laptop with me so that I can do my regular work as well as the conference work--with no break as someone else would normally step in and help with some of the daily work that I would normally do at my job. It's not fair!

And then the lady that's going on vacation next Friday has decided to copy me with some of the emails to customers that I will likely be working with in her absence...and, in so doing, I discover that she's not doing half the work that these customers deserve. She doesn't have time, so she doesn't do it. I'm not putting her down since that's what all the others seem to do, too--but our management team should know a whole lot better than to let this go on!

And tomorrow I have to go do my second job because they can't find someone to cover for a few hours in the afternoon--leaving me less time to do my regular job. So, now, after tomorrow, they won't get any extra time except the two weekends a month that I originally agreed to.

People keep thanking me for my patience...sometimes I just don't feel at all patient! Sometimes I just want to go hide in a hole and not come out until the issues are taken care of by someone else.

It's been a long weekend. On Saturday, my fiance made an innocent comment about how his brother now has a "sweetie" that he met through the internet about three weeks ago. I'm happy for his brother, but my fiance happened to mention this right after talked a bit about getting out for a walk and maybe helping me lose weight--so, he said, I'd feel better. He also seemed relieved when I stayed in the car when he had to run into the auto parts store, and then he stayed in the car when I went in to the glasses place to fix my glasses. It was like he didn' want to be seen with me. He did go into WalMart with me, though. That's a place he's used to being with me at, but if we go somewhere new, it's like he'd rather not be seen with me. And he met me through the internet---and one brother met his wife through the internet, and the other one has now met an "athletic" girl through the internet. Maybe I'm just imagining things, but I get the impression he wished he had met someone else, someone thinner....

And, so, all day Saturday, I was in a funk. He kept asking me what was wrong, and I just said there's just too much stress in my life...it does no good to complain about the way he feels. He has a right to his feelings, and nothing I say will change his feelings. So, now, I have to figure out how to deal with his attitude. It may take a while.

Tonight, my stomach has a gnawing ache. This morning, I bent over to get the waffle iron out of the lower shelf, and my gallbladder area squeezed so tight I had to leap up so I was straight in the abdominal area...and jumped back halfway across the room. It sopped as soon as I straightened up, but it hurt! The doctor says it's fibro, and I just wish it would settle down. Tonight, it's a gnawing feeling all the way across my lower ribs, though probably a little more on the left--like a mirror image of where the gallbladder is on the right. This afternoon, I had a couple indidents of diarrhea, but I don't know if they're related. I've gone to the doctor, and while he believes there's pain, I keep getting the idea that the fibro they diagnose is just something I have to live with. I'm living the best I can, but I really hate it...

Did I whine enough for the night? I did have good news. Some friends tore down an old farmhouse to get a new house..and they're selling me two air conditioners for a total of $50. One is three years old and the other is two...and they weren't used for the last year, so they should be in pretty good condition. They have central air in the new house, so I hope I will have a cool house this year. Last year, it was pretty common for it to be 110 degrees in here at night...

They also have a fairly new carpet and pad that I can use in my living room. I like that thought. I've been renting here for sixteen years this summer...and we definitely need a new carpet...

Today is April 15, the end of the cold weather rule in Minnesota. I had to find $1000 to pay the electric bill that I haven't been able to pay for six months...and, for once, something right happened and I got child support this week, I worked ten hours of overtime, and I got paid for the past two months' (6 days) of my second job...and I was able to pay it up with enough left to pay the phone bill AND get groceries and gas for work. I feel like something good is happening, and I have to be thankful....

It has been a frustrating day. At work, one thing after another, and each one of them eminating from one certain department that does the minimal amount of work and provides a minimal amount of results. And through it all, I and our department have to pick up the slack. You would think this is either a department that should be unionized with the "not my job" attitude they have. I know that's a stereotype that's not fair, and I apologize to all the union members in this world, but I think it gets my point across.

I did complain, and it's very unusual for me to complain at work--believe it or not. I usually just accept that I need to do my job in a place where one of our mantras is "bias for action." Each of us are encouraged to act in a way that enhances our abilities to their utmost...but sometimes that bias for action on my part translates to simple laziness on other's parts. But, when I do complain, then management tends to listen--and today I found out that I was not even near the first person to complain. Apparently, there have to be some changes very soon or there will be anarchy.

In the meantime, I'm tired. I got home and wanted to die, but instead I'm up keying this blog and trying to watch HOUSE and DANCING WITH THE STARS at the saem time---and I don't have TIVO.

Easter dinners are done! I am so glad. Friday I made dinner for my kids and me. At one point, I thought I'd have one son and his girlfriend here. It turned out to be all three kids, one girlfriend, one friend of my son's, and a nephew and niece. And everyone enjoyed the food and the friendship. Then my older son got a call from my ex-husband's home and had to leave. They said his truck, parked there, had been egged and a window looked like it had been busted out. I think they called to deliberately break up our dinner. That's OK, the dinner was pretty much done. I drove by a bit later and the truck had been moved, but no eggs (and it hadn't been washed in a while) and all the windows were in one piece. My ex-husband is very mad at me, and we even mentioned at the table that he hates me so much that he refuses to come to either my daughter's or my son's (both, his children) graduation parties. Apparently my daughter has challenged him and told him that he better attend her party or she would stop doing all his paperwork and other running. We'll see.

As for the dinners, I only ate one serving of everything at each of the three dinners. Well, I ate an extra serving at one dinner of potatoes and ham--but there was more than enough food for everyone there. And no one seemed to judge me, except my fiance.

The whole weekend went good, and I was happy (though I had a headache on Saturday that kept me quiet and resting most of the day) until this afternoon--when my fiance complained that I didn't put on makeup (he said I didn't respect him enough to honor his wishes for me to put on makeup)and was obviously upset when I didn't want to go for a walk with him. When he goes, he takes a twenty minute walk. When I go with him, somehow it ends up being an hour and a half. He really wants me to exercise, but he really pushes it. He also didn't like that I wanted to lay down for a while. He told me I'd feel better if I didn't sleep, but I told him I'd enjoy things a lot more if I could sleep and then be wide awake while I enjoyed life--rather than pushing myself to do things when I was half asleep. He replied he'd never thought of it that way--he said he just figures anyone sleeping during the day (especially on a weekend) is wasting time. This is a man that sets his alarm on Saturday morning because he doesn't want to waste a minute of the day--but then sits and drinks coffee for two hours before he can eat breakfast.

I think he is wonderful. And if waking up early on Saturday and staying awake every minute of daylight works for him, then that's great for him. But it doesn't work for me, and it just makes me more miserable to keep telling him what I think only to have him say he understands, but then keeps right on trying to change me. I do understand his motivation, and why he does this, but it doesn't change me, and I just don't know where to go from here.

Even watching TV or reading a book is difficult for me to do when he's around. I figured out he doesn't read the details in book nor does he pay attention to all the words people speak on television shows. It just doesn't interest him, and he can get up and walk away from any tv show. I suspect it is because he doesn't get as engrossed in them as I do--because he hasn't paid attention to the basic details and doesn't get the whole idea of a plot based onthse details. He does like action adventure shows, though--but, again, he can get up and walk away from them without ever looking back. And it drives me crazy when he says dinner will be ready on the hour, and then ten minutes before the hour, he'll tell me it's time for me to come eat--and he knows it's the end of a show, where I've been watching for almost two hours to get to this point, and then he decides we need to eat (because dinner can be a few minutes early--but never late, you know).

I bring this up because then, to be fair, I started thinking about things that I do that drives him crazy. Immediately, my need to read insructions and look things up on the internet came to mind. He goes nuts when we buy something that needs to be assembled or something is wrong with the car, and I immediately try to research the issue and figure everything out. He just goes ahead and does what needs to be done--and reading the instructions or background is just a waste of time for him. It truly is. Most of things just need logic and experience, and they all go together. And it is irritating when I want to do something that is truly a waste of time for him.

I concluded that men and women both must hate to read and research things that they already know. Just as I would not need to read too closely the back of a cake mix instructions, he probably doesn't need to read instructions to know how to change my oil. And reading novels is probably a waste of time for him because he doesn't understand that a book tells a story that isn't real, and if it's not real and touchable, or even realistic, it's a waste of his time when he wants to touch and feel and know how things really feel. He thinks differently than do I. I think differently than does he.

And, in the end, we both like to know that we can touch each other and know what we are thinking. We like to know that we can rely on each other. We like to know that each of us care and that we can talk without being afraid of being angry with each other (though I don't think I'll ever be able to discuss my incestuous relationship with him--or with anyone). We don't like the same things, but we like that each of us like things that complement the other (like he likes motorcycles, and I like the feel of riding on one--and I like to work on the computer, and he likes the convenience of me being able to get him information on the computers--or he likes to be outside, and I like to be outside, though I may be cleaning a car while he fixes a car....).

I get irritated with this and other men, but--in the end--we are individuals and we need to respect the decisions we each make. And we need to have give and take, and we do so without any second thoughts when we know that our efforts are appreciated (but lots of second thoughts when the efforts and contentment aren't appreciated). Life can be good, but we need to know that it is ourselves that make life good...or bad...

Tonight I watched "According to Jim," and I probably shouldn't have since it started me thinking again. It's always dangerous when I start thinking!

At one point in the show, Jim looks into the future and, due to his potential action, his little boy is 26 and hiding from the family so no one sees him. Then, after everyone except Jim leaves, the boy comes out and Jim offers him a sandwich--but the young man now refuses because he's afraid someone might see him eat it and then make fun of him, maybe by saying something like, "Nah, na, nah, na...Stick your head in Gravy....!"

It was just a sit com, but it hit home because Easter dinner with my fiance's family is coming up, and I don't want to go. His family are very food conscious and they all seem to feel that anyone that isn't thin and eats more than 2 tablespoons of food at a meal--well, they should immediately be put on a starvation diet and an intense exercise routine. One of the sons ride bicycles in those bike marathon things. Another regularly works out in a gym and everyone keeps talking about his appearance in a magazine about health maintenance, and my fiance is a diabetic that is probably the first one that is actually at his ideal weight when he walks into the nutritionist's office. He is very, very particular about his food. And when I put food on my plate there, it's like they all watch to see just how much food I can shovel into my mouth.

So, I kind of take less than most people would--and then try to not take dessert or second helpings of anything. Even an extra vegetable is like totally unbelievable to them.

One of the brothers used to be married to a lady that seemed to be anorexic...and for some reason, they all admired her completely until the couple was divorced. Now the all comment that she always "ate like a bird" and didn't know how to cook. But when she was a part of the family, she was the one person that they admired for her knowledge about food.

I'm making dinner for my kids and me on Friday. I'm glad that my fiance won't be there because I just don't feel like being criticized for eating.

Isn't it funny how we all have to eat if we want to eat, but some of us just don't want to be seen doing it? It's obvious we must eat something since we are a bit larger than the average person.

I think there's health concerns with being large. Definitely there are. But I also think there are health concerns with other aspects of our lives, and some of us large people would be able to be smaller if we weren't so stressed by people constantly reminding us that we're large. I know that I would feel better and feel more like being outside if I weren't sure that someone would be out there, just ready and waiting to see my largesse--and then they are more than ready and willing to tell the world just how terrible a person I must be because I'm not thin.

I wouldn't mind being large if other people didn't mind....