I wonder how many women with childhood incestuous backgrounds "black out" their memories? How many deliberately, or maybe not deliberately, forget things so they don't have to remember it each and every day? How many have other patterns of behavior that stem back to their childhood, and they don't realize it? Defensive measures that they've erected to protect themselves from the apparently-certain pain or perhaps-unforeseen dangers that they don't want to face and challenge.

I watched a movie today with Nick Nolte that generated some idea in my head that many of us have memories we want to repress, memories that can be too painful to remember, but whose resulting behaviors are still practiced many years later? After watching the movie, I went out to supper and found myself searching through my car for reading material to read as I ate. I would not have gone inside without something to read, and I realized this as I almost gave up on finding a book. I found it and went in, but it made me remember that this need to take a book stems back to childhood and the need to have something with me to somehow fend off peers that might want to stop and talk with me, or maybe to show the world that the young girl didn't need friends since books were her constant companion.

The behaviors in my family made it difficult for me to make friends, or for people to even want to be friends with me. I won't go into details, but children made it more than apparent that I was not worthy of their friendship--and taking a book to lunch with me seemed to be the way to silently tell the world that I had all the friends I needed in those books. Of course, I didn't--but even today I almost dread the thought of anyone walking up to me to try to find out more about my personal life, to share my life on a one to basis. I want a confidante badly, but I don't think there's a person in this world that I can trust enough to completely confess my history.

How many others are out there with behaviors that stem back to a childhood they'd rathr forget?

Today I heard a story on the "local" news (based 100 miles away) that reviewed how four people under age 25 were killed in an automobile accident where a semi truck broadsided a car with three people and then a second car became involved and the driver of that car was killed. The 40-year-old truck driver was OK.

Then the station had a man come on to talk about how teenagers were not receiving enough training and they were not acting responsibly when driving less than their first 1000 hours. Based on this, the report promoted the thought that teenagers needed more training before they received their license.

I contend that the 23 and 24 year old drivers were not teenagers, and they most likely had over 1000 hours of driving behind them. Additionally, no one contended that the accident was the fault of the young drivers. Yet they follow up their accident with this second report about teenagers needing more experience before getting their license.

In reality, I think that age has less of an argument than does the experience issue. They are separate issues. I think if you raised the minimum driving age to 30, then you would see a commensurate increase in accidents of people aged 30.

All new drivers need to be carefully educated, but only experience will produce the safety factors we would want in every driver. I think it is unfair of the media to use this kind of story to bolser an unrelated argument, and I hope that every time we view a story, we question the validity of the story and we hold these stations accountable for their work.

The next time someone talks about staging an intervention to help a person that is a danger to themself or others, I pray that another option be considered. I feel interventions don't help anyone except the person who has staged the action, and even in those cases where the subject seeks help afterward, even in those cases where good happens, it is likely that other options could have been used with as good or better results.

Today I was reminded how one attempt to intervene in a woman's life a few years ago haunts her. Apparently yesterday she was told to get over the past and this horrible attempt to intervene to force her to find help that these do-gooders wanted for her. However, those do-gooders didn't know her whole story and, even yesterday, it was apparent that one of the do-gooders still doesn't get the message several years later. That do-gooder still continued to think the same ill thoughts that initiated the intervention attempt, despite all the evidence otherwise--evidence that their claims were totally unfounded. But, more than that, the subject was totally devastated in every area of her life. She lost her family to where her children were taken out of her life and now that they are back, they just don't have the same sense of "family" that they used to. She works miles away from home because these people called her potential employers and told them their false beliefs--the only way she got her current job was not not tell these do-gooders where she applied and then work there for a few months on a temporary basis (and when the do-gooders figured out where she was working, her supervisor was totally aware of the situation and wouldn't listen when the do-gooders called this potentially-permanent employer to report how horrible she was--and now she's been working there for almost two years). She can't participate in her original family's get-togethers because they are the ones who hurt her so badly she's still affected on a daily basis. They stopped helping her financially, even when she had to get a divorce and they knew that it was important to support her--and a judge in a court of law advised her family to give her support, but they didn't follow his good intentions. Her transportation is sabotaged on a regular basis--her mechanic knows that when she comes in, he better first check her gas lines because someone's cut or removed the gas lines, or poured sand in the tank, or somehow messed with the fuel pump. The worst part is that this is a close relative that's doing this...for reasons that she nor I can fathom. He honestly thinks she needs help, but she's made it through these horrible things and she's succeeding. However, in the process, she's learned that she can't depend on anyone and that even family can be hateful.

Next time an intervention is considered, don't! It's really very simple. Be there and help where you can--but help at the instigation of the subject, not at the denegration of the subject. Life can be bad, it doesn't have to be deliberately be made worse!

Now, don't get me started on "tough love"!

A young woman named Kelsey was kidnapped and murdered in Kansas last week. Today they arraigned the young man that is thought to have done the horrible crimes that took her from this world. Tonight, her parents appeared on television and said they were in court for Kelsey, and only because Kelsey wasn't there. They also said they wouldn't let the murderer take any more from them. He took their daughter, sister and girlfriend, but they won't let him take their emotions. They don't want to give him anger or vindictiveness; instead, they want to do something positive for this young lady that was "scrubbed in sunshine."

I laud their thoughts in this very emotional time. They have to be grieving like I cannot imagine. And I sympathize with them, and only wish I could offer words that lend them comfort.

And I believe they are right. The man who killed this beautiful person doesn't deserve their emotions. Let the judicial system deal with him. The justice this family finds will come from promoting the positive attitude the Kelsey would have wanted, and in her permanent physical absence, to now allow a permanent emotional inspiration. Nothing will bring the young woman back, but her spirit can be allowed to grow in a way that death could not stop.

Life is precious, and the more we give to life, the more it gives back. I would want only good things to grow from Kelsey's life, and I would encourage all who have lost a beloved person to remember the positive in life and truly enjoy the life we perpetuate with our thoughts.

I haven't written in a while. I've been trying to get things in order here, including my exercise program. I've really been trying to walk every day, and my legs, butt and trunk are really feeling it! It really isn't used to this.

And, after doing this for a couple weeks, I thought I'd lost weight. But I steppped on my scale last night, and it looks like I've gained four pounds. Then, this morning, I stepped on it, and I lost ten pounds just since last night. And, of course, the original scale was at the doctor's office, so I really don't know how accurate my numbers are. I'll find out in a couple days when I go back to the doctor on another couple issues.

This will be a challenge. But yesterday they had a series of programs on TLC that showed some very, very large people (some over 700 pounds) and how they appeared and how hard (or not hard) they were trying to lose weight. I also keep remembering how the doctor told me that if I don't start losing weight, I'm going to have to consider gastric bypass surgery--which he really wouldn't recommend to anyone. So, I don't want to be like those people, and I don't want to do surgery, and that means that I need to take this seriously. So, I have started and will know in two days just how things really are.

Until then, I'm going to do some walking....