Sunday I traveled four hours to attend a wake of an elderly lady, the aunt of my friend. Upon returning home yesterday, the phone rang with news of another death of an elderly gentleman. I awoke this morning to the obituaries on the news...and another friend died after a long illness, and a young friend of my sons was killed by a gunshot where four young men were "playing around" with what they thought was an unloaded gun--it actually held at least one round. I got to work, and the lady next to me is going to a funeral of another friend on Friday--and one that sits two cubicles down is attending a funeral tomorrow.

I understand that people die. I know it is inevitable. But, somehow, after all these people start to die at one time, your brain goes into an neutral zone where there's no time to think any more. Words like "condolences" and "unfortunate circumstances" start to pour out of your mouth where they had never been uttered before. It's a sad situation.

There's a song that most people my age and older will remember: Blowin' in the Wind. It says that "too many people have died." That line keeps going through my head--along with "the answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind, the answer is blowin' in he wind." The truth is that life is for living, for enjoying and taking in every available minute and reveling in the very life that God provided to us. We enter the world a "mewling infant" and, in our time, we live many lives. A death is the result of life, and we have the ability to remember a person for their life--not their death.

The young man who died made me stop and wonder why such things happen. In this neck of the woods, you learn almost before walking that you don't point a gun at anyone. Ever. Period. Unloaded. Or not. You simply don't do that. Understanding this, it seems a senseless death. But that is not where our focus should be at a time like this--or at a time when a 69 year old woman dies as a result of lupus complications. In my mind, we should be thanking God for every moment we were allowed to share that life, to know the joy and unique special features that he provided in that person while on earth.

There's a thought that God only lends us the time on earth, that we are here only with his grace. And I believe that we need to reflect on that time and know that we didn't waste a minute...and, as I read somewhere, go to our graves in the spirit of "Wow! What a ride!"

Still, my thoughts tend to linger on all that could have been, should have been. And I want that life to continue, to be all that God intended. He intends so many things, yet he gives us free will, and through it all, like a parent who watches their teens make seemingly stupid decisions, He continues to love and offer his grace--and opens his arms with love when we come home, even when the free will allowed a choice that was perhaps not the best. Life is good, and we need to know that. Truly understand that--and then try to believe it and live it. That's the hard part. But we can only try.

I've been to the doctor once a week for three weeks. It's getting expensive, not to mention not very helpful. My regular doctor is out for a month...and these other doctors seem competent, but it sure isn't helping. Today I was prescribed a new antibiotic. I went in to try to resolve this neck pain...and he seemed to want to continue to treat the respiratory infection I had another antibiotic for three weeks ago. That's fine, but something has to happen because I can't sleep...every time my sinuses drain, I have to swallow, and then I wake up from the pain that shoots around the front of my neck like a really tight collar....

But it will get better eventually, and then I won't have to worry about these doctors.

I think I have become a cynic. Of everything. Today it was big news that science has recognized commonalities in people with "metabolic syndrome." I never heard of this, and when I read the article further, I almost fell off my chair laughing. Metabolic syndrome is characterized by people with a large waistline, high blood pressure and a pre-diabetic stage that used to be called glucose intolerance. Hummmm.....sounds to me to be what people used to call "fat" and (or) "unhealthy." The news today is that people who eat three kinds of food in a meal are likely to develop this sydrome. Without opening the newspaper, can you guess what those are? Right! Red meat, fried food and--yep--diet soda! They did think, for some reason, that high-carb foods like all-wheat pasta would do it, too, but not really! I understood the red meat and fried food, but not really the diet soda--until it was explained that most people who drink diet soda feel they are able to eat more of other food since they aren't getting all the calories of regular, non-diet beverages. I suspect the study was in part sponsored by the dairy indusry since milk didn't seem to be a big factor in the syndrome.

In truth, people know eating these foods (Micky D, I apologize)is going to make you fat and unhealthy. Now they have given the result of this kind of diet a fancy name.....I won't take odds about the possibility of opening the newspaper tomorrow and read about a related concern: sedentary cellutic syndrome.

OK, so life is not supposed to be full of stress. So, what else is there? Humor? My sense of humor is very dry. Or very silly. I wish there was a class I could take that would teach me humor. I love to watch half hour sitcoms, and Lucy is my heroine. I love America's Funniest Videos. I love stupid one liners. But I cannot be funny. I am probably one of the most serious people you'll ever meet. Life is fun, and I want to know how to channel that fun into laughter each and every day!

I did some web surfing today to try to figure out some of these many ailments that confound my body into believing it is in pain. I had to have a couple shots on Friday for a headache, then the pain just continued as part of the carotidynea to the point where I don't even want to swallow air like you do when your throat feels dry and you just have to swallow to get things right again. No matter what search I did, stress seemed to be a factor in it all.

I did find one interesting article on Meniere's disease that at one time it was thought the nausea and vomiting was caused by stress and stomach ailments...never connecting it to a problem with the ear until Meniere started to really examine the situation. Stress always seems to be an issue. Remember ulcers? It was thought that stress was usually the cause--until they discovered h. pylori. I wonder what would happen if the scientists took out the stress factor and looked at these conditions from outside that worn-out box. I think that pain gives me stress--so, of course, I'm under stress when the doctor sees me. That means I need to reduce stress if I'm going to get rid of some of these things.

I appreciate that I am under stress. But I think a lot of the stress would be relieved if the doctors could tell me why the pain is there--and nt by telling me it's stress!

However, I do think I need to lose weight. This idea is stressful. Moreso to my family and friends, I think at times. But, I do need to be realistic and lose weight. That idea doesn't stress me. It concerns me and makes my brain start moving--but it's not so stressful that it causes headaches, or throat aches, or shoulder pain, or stomach pain, or any of the other aches and pains.....well, it may cause some pain when I try to exercise, but otherwise, it's not that stressful. But if I step in a doctor's office, they won't do a thing for me until I lose weight since they think that is the source of my problems...the weight and the stress that goes with the weight. Somehow, they should ease up, talk to me in realistic terms, and forget talking about the stress so much!

This is the way I feel today. Somehow, I think tomorrow I'll probably talk again about how stressful my life is....but, somehow, too, I don't think it's the source of this pain in my neck.