I am so amazed by all the different atmospheres I see when I visit in people's homes and eat supper with them. My home is pretty much "help yourself" and sit where you can. I make food, and then I announce to the household that the food is done. They then come to the kitchen, dish up, and eat wherever they find a place to sit down, usually in front of the television. It would be too difficult, I think, to get everyone together at one time to eat at the table.

But I go to my boyfriend's, and he and his mother eat every meal at the table. And when they have people visit, it is somewhat a constrained atmosphere. I daren't take more than one helping of anything for fear they'll judge me to be too fat and that's the reason...though they eat all kinds of sweets between meals, if I were to eat the same in front of them, because of my size, they'd purse their lips and let me know without any words how disapppointed they are in me. I just don't understand how some people can eat a huge piece of frosted cake and several cookies between meals...maybe some ice cream...and they never gain an ounce. And, in the presence of those people, if I take even a bite more than a single serving of anything, then I feel like I'm being ostracized.

I go to where I do respite care, and that's kind of a cross between the two styles. They prepare the meal and serve it at the table, but the atmosphere is much less constrained--and you don't feel criticized for taking a second dinner roll.

I go to another friend's, and the adults eat at the table and let the kids dish up the food and eat it where they like.

This weekend I'll celebrate a holiday dinner at my relatives. It is going to be totally insane when compared to any of these styles. It is buffet style, and you can sit at the table...or not. There's prayer, and there's lots of raw language. There's little kids sitting on their parents' laps, and there's friends coming in to share in the activity. Yet, through it all, there's an element of bitterness--and element that demonstrates how some of us are very uncomfortable with others. One sister won't even go; others wouldn't miss it.

Families are families, and I wonder if our eating styles reflect the kinds of relationships we share with each other.

I had a bad headache at work today, so I left and headed for the clinic. I wanted an inhjection of toradol--and it costs about $7 at the clinic--my copay part--and about $80 for my copay at the hospital's outpatient/emergency area. So it's always a good thing to get a headache during the week when the clinic is open. Unfortunately, my doctor wasn't there to ok the shot--so it took a bit longer than usual. And the pain was not good during that time. But I eventually got that shot. I liked that.

It's so strange what people do when they're in pain. I had to call the clinic and I kind of spaced out when the pain distracted me during the triage nurse's recording....so I called back and talked to her. When I got off the phone, though, instead of the quiet I usually want during a headache, I turned up the radio to try to distract my thoughts from the pain. It even helped--but very little. I got to the clinic, and I realized as I stood at the counter that I couldn't stand still...my foot kept wanting to tap, to move. And my eyes had to follow my fingers as it traced around some images on the counter top. But when I sat down, I thought I was doing OK--until the receptionist walked up to tell me that the doctor finally issued the order. I didn't realize my eyes weren't focusing, and when I finally recognized her standing in front of me, I was so startled that I thought I'd jump backwards out of the chair and into the wall behind me. She went away and when the injection nurse called my name, the same thing almost happened.

So, then, I thought I'd get home and go to sleep. NOPE. I haven't slept since. It's crazy. I'm so tired. I had to take a few more pain relievers, but still can't sleep. But I am so tired. I feel totally inebriated. I just want to lay my head on my boyfriend's shoulder and sleep. Not that he'd let me. He doesn't like me leaning on him. Still, it would feel so good....my head is feeling very heavy right now.

You know, it was also strange that I wasn't feeling at all nautious until the nurse asked me if was feeling ill or nautious. THAT's when I began to feel like being sick--but I wasn't.

It's good to catch these headaches early, before I end up bent over backwards. But, it sure would be nice if once I got that toradol (which is not a narcotic, surprisingly, but it works so much better than the demarol and other stuff I used to get...) I went to sleep.
There's just too much happening around here. But things are getting more quiet now. Maybe I'll sleep now.

I work for a company that's been around since before 1950. That company has been bought a few times and had new owners with each sale. Now they've been bought by a very large company, and there are 30 people of over 400 being laid off...but given several months' notice. It's sad, though, because several of these people have worked here 30 or more years. At least one has been here 36 years. But they are going to be administering from a remote location, and these administration jobs will no longer be necessary. Of course, other jobs will be created as they boost production--but, still, those people have been loyal employees for a long time. And it stinks.

My job is OK. At least, for now. We'll see how it goes as we go forward. Considering how things have been going lately, I have to wonder whether I want to keep it. Nothing but complaints by big customers today--and at least one of them was a legitimate complaint. I don't know which is worse, when there is such a legitimate complaint where I can't do anything about the situation (this happened due to a problem in the delivery by the transport company) or where the customer isn't right, but you still have to make it right. You know: the customer is always right.

But, in the end, I hope that when all the dust settles down, my job gets easier and all these people that are terminated find good positions in other companies. There have been three openings that I think some of the 30 will qualify for, so maybe it won't be so bad when you know that there may be more openings before many months pass. The worst part is that after all their loyalty, those employees are being let go because their postions are now redundant--and there's nothing we can do to make that right.

I paid some bills tonigt. I am $50 short of bringing my student loan current. And I paid about half a dozen small medical bills. I think I have only major ones and the rest of the student loan left. It's a great feeling to have paid those bills. But I still feel terrible about being so far behind on the others. I will keep trying.

I didn't go to my best friend's tonight. Nor did I go out shopping, or trying to get a lot done at home. It's Friday night, and I don't remember the last one I spent at home, reading a book. Of course, I went to supper by myself first. I didn't like it. I went to one of the most expensive places in town to have my favority food--they are the only ones who serve it. And it was not comfortable to sit by yourself at a table in such an establishment. I wanted a booth or a table in a back corner. But I got a table where my alone-ness was very obvious. But the food was good.

And I was home by seven, and then I've been reading. I finished my book and it's almost nine o'clock. And I'm exhausted...not to mention hardly able to walk. My lower back just doesn't want to move, and it and my abdomen are in a lot of payment when I try to move. But move I must.

Tomorrow I"ll head out to do my normal weekend job, and I'll come back Sunday night. I really want a total break from reality for a while. But the lack of alone time is the only reality I will have for a while.

But at least I have tonight.