A couple mornings ago, late last week, the radio was on a station I don't normally listen to--and I don't know if I will again. I was rieing with someone who regularly listens to that station, or I would never have heard this. It was an invitation from the radio host and his cohorts for the audience to call in and tell about their incestuous experiences...apparently this followed on from a "reality" television show with a brother and sister in which the brother obviously has some less-than-acceptable thoughts about his sister. The men who called in had their voices disguised, and most were calling in about relationships--mostly not involving sexual intercourse--with cousins. However, one guy called in and said he couldn't believe how these people were making up these stories--but he said he wasn't when he said he did more than he should have with his cousin. Another went to 'first base" with his sister. With each call, the hosts were careful to ask these people how they now related to the person with whom they had this illicit relationship. Without exception, they were "strained" relationships (paraphrased).

And then I started to think about things, and I have to say I have a "strained" relationship with my relative--but it's not based on the sexual activity alone. For several years, he and I were good friends...and then he hurt someone in a way that was totally inappropriate, and for months I couldn't even look at him. And it was just words and actions that did not involve sex that so offended me, but then I realized that his actions were largely based on a manipulation of a kind that had been used to get me into that relationship, and now I just fume when I think of his actions--both recent and distant. I think my reaction to his recent actions are far beyond "normal", and one person pointed out that it could be because though I had forgiven him with my head and I have come to understand his physical motivations, the emotions that surrounded the activity remained and I have not been able to resolve those--let alone reconcile the current emotions based on history with emotions based in normal reality.

But what is normal reality? I wonder how many other women go through their life after incest and feel like they are "going through the actions" of life, like everything you do is just a practice for "when I grow up." I wonder how many women have based their life on a hope for better times, and those better times are so far away from the "here and now" that they can't possibly ever happen--but you have to believe that all you do now will lead to better things for someone (maybe not even yourself) because the bad can never dominate your life. If the bad dominated, then you would fall apart. This is a poor description of the kind of emotions I feel, but it lends a glimpse of the kind of things I deal with each and every day.

I recently realized that I have different memories from ealier years. There are the good memories that I recall of my younger years when life was good, and I played and enjoyed the days...and no one ever said anything mean, and my mom and dad were still together with supper on the table every night at 6:00. Then there's the times that I hated to even use my bathroom because the register in the ceiling allowed a male to see me--and he took advantage of it almost each time I used the bathroom. I couldn't play hide and seek because he would insist on hiding with me and hurting me.... I couldn't sleep at night without him being there...I couldn't tell my mother what was going on because of the damage it would do to her weak emotions, let alone being threatened by my tormenter by his advice that I was doig something wrong and I would be the one that was punished even more. And then there's the memories of having to stand alone in everything I did--from my homework to walking home from the bus to participating in different extracurricular activities--so much so that even today if something needs to get done, I feel like I have to do it because no one is going to do it for me. I don't even remember that these people should be doing things for themselves...no one has ever done the things that need to be be done around me...so I do it all.

I don't know if anyone else has had these experiences or used those experiences to develop a jaded--but somehow immature--adult point of view. And I don't know what life would be like to be a normal adult that can deal with life in the real world. Is there really a normal, real world?

I am having problems eating again. Swallowing can be very painful, and has even caused me to throw up when I couldn't get the food to move through my esophogus into my stomach. I did have a swallow test a couple months ago, and they found nothing--though she said it's hard to catch some problems when they don't happen on a consistent basis. It is a horrible, painful feeling, though...and a bit embarrassing when you are throwing up in the parking lot next to your car. I'm learning, though, that if there is even a small bit of pain then that is the time to stop eating....I might as well take the food I've been able to eat rather than try to eat more. And eating more doesn't--as you would thing--force the stuck food from moving. Liquid doesn't, either. It's stuck, and it hurts, and it's not going to slide through....

But it's been a very stressful week or so, and maybe it's all just stress. Things seem to be a bit better this week, so we'll see how it goes...

Let's smile and keep going, and let's pray that life will be the best that it can be.