Sometimes you have to wonder whether there is no one else in this world that feels like you do. I think my symptoms must not be unique, but maybe those who have the same symptoms don't have access to this forum. Or maybe they have access and aren't aware that their input is being requested. I don't know why I have no responses from my direct request for responses from others with the same symptoms, but I doubt that I am the only one who has them.

So, why do I feel like this? I think it's partly because I don't want to feel like some freak. Too many things in my life have made me feel alone in this world, too many things have made me feel like there's no one else in this world that feels the same way. I guess I placed myself in this place where I have no response, and I should have been waiting for no responses. Somehow, though, it never occurred to me that there would be absolutely no response. As big as this world is and as many as this site reaches, we always need to be aware that sometimes people are just not comfortable with responding in a way that we would like.

I'm disappointed. But I think it's actually a good thing that I have no response. Not only because I know that there must not be a lot of people to feel these pains and pangs--but it also means that the people who read the blogs don't answer indiscriminantly. I think that this means that there is integrity out there, and maybe people are really good at heart..and in health.

I hope that no one else feels these symptoms. And I hope that they're just in my imagination. I know they are not--but that's often how they are perceived. The perception does not make me feel great, but it has come to teach me to really examine the situation and only to move forward if there is a real basis for the claims...and there is a reality in my pains and pangs. So I will continue.

My horoscope today said something about those who keep going even when the same determined efforts have brought negative responses in the past--that the perserverence to keep going in the face of such negativity and try, try again...well, that determination will bring about great rewards. I know that this kind of horoscope could apply to almost anyone--and it may or may not be telling of almost any action--but, somehow, I want it to be true. I want this to be true because I know the truth is on my side, and I know that there's been no positive reaction, but maybe sometime in the future, there will be a very good resolution--one that makes me feel better, physically and mentally.

Sometimes I feel alone, like there's no one else in the world with the same physical concerns I have. My doctor once, when first diagnosing my carotidynia, said that if there's some weird, non-fatal disease out there, I'm bound to get it. I have at least three diagnoses that other people out there never seem to get. I'd really like to hear from anyone else who suffers from carotidynea, fibromyalgia or a torn lining over their lowest rib--but didn't get it from an abusive boyfriend nor a car accident. There's a long word for this, but I can't really remember it. Just 'tear" is easier to say and remember.

I also have narcolepsy and a form of sleep apnea where I never go below a 93% oxygen level nor stop breathing--just lots of hypopneas. I think I'd sleep a lot better if everyone else in the house would stay in bed and stay quiet. I just wake up at any little sound, and it's very disquieting...and, yes, that was a pun.

I also had a strep infection in my blood--but not strep throat. And I didn't end up in the hospital...they only found it as they searched my blood for some reason I could be so tired, though the strep throat test was negative (both quick test and cultured test).

In the end, I really want to know if anyone has similar symptoms and might drink a lot of diet pepsi....or anything else of similar nature.

I believe that when historians eventually study this time, this presidency will be viewed with grave concern. I believe the actions of his presidency are not happenstance, and if there is any kind of validity to the thought that history repeats itself when citizenry fails to take note of the past, then this time will certainly be used to prove such things.

I've heard Bush be compared to Hitler, and I understand why this is so. I don't believe that Bush is another Hitler, but I believe that educated people reviewed the events that led to Hitler's rise and used those events to develop a plan to promote Bush's personal agenda.

Hitler used a rather basic technique to find a common enemy and produce a universal and negative attitude toward that enemy, real or imagined. In the same way, Bush has attempted to characterize terrorists as the common enemy--and my coutrymen have acted in correlation to the actions of the general public of Hitler's times. There will never be a defeat of terrorism. It cannot happen. There will always be a dissident opinion that is not popular, and what one person will view as a terrorist, another will view as a person standing up for what they believe in--a freedom fighter, per se. And even common robbers could be viewed as a "terrorist" in today's rhetorical terms. Unfortunately, once Bush identified a common enemy, however unrealistic as a target of universal ire, he failed to follow through with the kind of propoganda that Hitler's educated team was able to promote. While Hitler used a real and identifiable segment of population that many people already recognized as inferior (however wrongly), Bush's tribe attempted to develop an enemy that had previously been largely ignored and unidentified.

And, when his team failed to follow protocol and that failure resulted in a catastrophic tragedy that killed thousands of people, instead of recognizing the failure of his team to follow established policies, he case blame onto the American people and our personal failure to take action and be personally guarded against an enemy that should have been identified by our establishment long before the tragedy occurred. Then, to promulgate his failure, he asked--and received--for approval from Congress to institute laws that allowed him virtually unfettered freedom to violate what he and his team seemed to previously view as the individuals' pesky rights. If you study Hitler's history, he gained power and had his "congress" pass laws that helped him also promote his own agenda. While Hitler seemed to honestly believe his own propoganda, Bush's failure is that he is intelligent to know his team is artificially attempting to create an agenda that would promote his own self-interest.

Bush knows that terrorism will never be defeated. Not in the terms that he promotes as an integral part of this war against that terror. The brilliance in his thought is that there is no single person that can be defeated--even when an enemy such as Saddam Hussein is caught and killed, there will always be another group or faction that will be considered terroristic. Given this truth, Bush's agenda has the potential to be never-ending. Luckily, eight years is all he gets, and I hope the historians-in-the-making will recognize and understand that after this presidency is complete, then perhaps we can swing back to reality.

A deputy sheriff in Wisconsin killed six people this weekend. He was twenty years old. The Star Tribune today pondered whether such a young man should be allowed to wear a badge--whether the man had enough life experience to wear such a thing. I find this almost laughable. The law does not operate on the experience of the gatekeeper. The law does not operate on whether society has provided a young man with a weapon capable of killing a gazillion people when handled by a man in the full rage of jealous passion. The law operates on rules made by people, and those rules are enforced by people of any age that can read the rule and understand how it is to be applied. To make this into a concern about whether a 20-year-old man has the ability to handle a gun and all its responsiblities while in the employ (keeping in mind the young man was not on duty) of a law enforcement agency is just plain stupid.

Now, if someone had asked me whether a jealous young man will find a way to take revenge on his ex-girlfriend--with whatever means is available--I would say that the answer is YES. Further, I would say the same for a jealous older man. Granted, a deputy sheriff should have the training to operate in a manner that can make rational decisions without regard to emotion; however, in this case, the young man was not operating as a deputy sheriff--so the argument is moot.

The man was jealous, and he literally went ballistic. Further, this kind of rage is not outgrown--just modified through life. At this point, no one had seen any indications that this would happen. How many fifty-year-old abusive people wake up at fifty and suddenly start to inflict pain on people? And are any of those fifty year old abusers in law enforcement? If they are in law enforcement, would they and their families have reason to hide such tendencies if they had been revealed earlier? The man had a problem that needs to be addressed outside his employment and understood that such thoughts that young men should not be given a badge only serves to increase the danger for the men with more life experience--experience that teaches them to hide their thoughts and behaviors.

I don't know what happened in this instance, not in detail. I don't know all the issues involved that led up to this tragic situation. But I do know that the man's job was less of an issue than society recognizing that there needs to be opportunities for help in mental illness...help that doesn't urge us to hide concerns and then believe that every person over thirty years old that hasn't been caught in some kind of mental-illness-based action is actually sane. Mental illness should not be hidden or something to be ashamed of--and when we suffer even something as basic as jealousy, then we need to have access to resources that help us deal with such emotions in positive, productive actions.

Today, there is a political movement to provide equal insurance beneifts for mental illness as there is for physical illness. One reason it is not in place already is because many people think that if one has a strong mental self-capacity, then they can overcome such illness through willpower. This is not true. Illness is illness, and we all should have the ability to get counseling when and if we need it--and financial concerns should not be a barrier. I don't know if the Wisconsin tragedy would have been avoided since I don't know if the young man had a mental illness--but if he did, he deserved affordable treatment. Further, the people who died deserved for him to have access to affordable treatment.

It is funny that when a topic such as treating mental illness seems to be on your mind, then every discussion topic leads back to that. Perhaps that what is happening here and perhaps that is why I associate this tragic action with this topic. But, whatever the reason for my thought, the truth is that everyone needs help once in a while, and sometimes we need professional help. I believe we should urge our politicians and insurance people to understand how much money and heartache we could save if we provided adequate health insurance for the diagnosis and treatment of every kind of illness.

I stayed home today and didn't go to work. I was just too tired and my ear and throat hurt too much. I feel very guilty because I didn't go to work, and I know that customers need me there, but I just couldn't get out of bed. I did visit the doctor since I figure if I'm too sick to go to work, then there better be a reason. There is. I have the "crud" that's going around, and my carotidynea (don't check the spelling) is kicking in. My ear drum is perfect and there are no swollen glands, but there's a lot of pain along the carotid artery in my neck and that's sending a referred pain to my ear, and it's not comfortable! So, tylenol it is.

It wasn't a wasted day, though. I needed a day to stay home and be lazy. I've worked the last six weekends, and I have one more to go. With my fibromyalgia, my body was rebelling. I know that my weekend job is really just sitting and watching tv and being a "mom" type of thing to a woman that sleeps a lot, but it still isn't all that restful to not sleep in your own bed.

I also finally convinced my son to get my wireless computer connections connected. And I can't believe the difference in speed. It used to take about twenty minutes to get in my home page. Now it's seconds! This is so much nicer!

In the end, though, I have to say that I honestly think that fibro sufferers have some kind of undiscovered illness--maybe a virus, maybe something else. And it makes us vulnerable to all the "crud" that goes around, and that makes us more miserable. I hope there are some kind of studies out there that are looking hard at the virsu/illness potential for fibro sufferers.