I really think I need to find some kind of counseling. I've wanted to for a long time, but I really don't have money to do it. I keep waiting for these new laws where insurance companies are supposed to pay to treat mental illness the same as physical illness...then I could just count on my copays and deductibles and I could probably swing the counseling. Until then, I think I'm going to do some research on payment options.

This weekend I read a book about a woman that was being stalked by her ex-husband, who had abused her during their marriage. Their marriage followed abuse as a child. And she didn't tell people around her about her stalker, and she didn't make friends easily. She didn't think people would want to be friends if they knew the truth. It was a fictional account and nothing nearly as raw and ugly as has happened to me and others. But the mere fact that the author knew about these kinds of issues made me think that these patterns of behaviors are not unique to me, that they are probably ways that people build survival or defensive ideas that help them cope...or maybe it's behaviors we learned and don't even realize that there are other "normal" behaviors. And it made me think that the things I've thought of as being "normal" in my life--thirty some years after the worst--are not normal and the behaviors are learned and repeatedly practiced so that they have actually become the norm in our lives. Is that circular thinking or what?

Then this weekend I have come to think that I am truly one of those people that believe they are ill, but there is nothing wrong with them. This morning I bent low to put away a small appliance on the floor level of the cabinets and--as has happened before when I did this--the gall bladder area of my abdomen felt as if it had gone into a permanent, painful seizure of some kind. I didn't think I could straighten up again, but I did. For about an hour after that, it was sore and ache-y. Then I came home (I was doing my weekend job) and, after driving for an hour, I could barely stand up because my back hurt so much. I have to push up with my arms to take pressure off my back as I push off the seat with my legs. My arms take the worst of the pressure off my lower right back--kidney area--and once I'm upright, the pain is minimal as I walk around. I can lay down or sit down and there's no pain. It's just as I'm trying to rise from a position of sitting down (or beginning with the laying down) that the pain is unbearable. But the doctor says it's nothing serious--just my fibromyalgia giving me excruciating pain. And he says my low temp (99.8) is just because I'm overweight. I don't have high blood pressure, and my blood work is always normal (or, on rare occasions there is some kind of infection indicated, they can readily explain those infections). But, along with my fibro diagnosis, I'm always thinking I have something seriously wrong with me and one day my family will find me lying on the floor, unconscious, because this pain just can't be normal--.... And I think that kind of thinking, after the doctor has diagnosed something that is not serious, is a symptom of a mind that is not normal....

I think I better go to bed. I hope life is good for everyone, and especially those who are struggling with health or money issues. Hope sometimes all we have, and I pray that everyone has hope--and good health.

I was shocked today. The lady that has such bad credit she couldn't get credit to fill her LP tank actually had a bank offer her a loan--even when they knew all about her bad credit. However, they also knew that they needed to get money on the mortgage they already made to someone who didn't really own her property...so, I'm thinking (and I may be wrong), they reviewed her payment history with the attorney that recorded her timely (sometimes early) payments--never a day late--and decided to take a chance on her. They had nothing to lose since they never got a penny from the man that was trying to force a sheriff's sale. He took out a loan a month after she borrowed the money from him, and then he never paid a penny of her payments to them for his own loan. So, now, they'll loan her the money and credit him for the loan amount--and he'll still owe them about $20,000, but it's better for them to have some money on property that can actually be sold than for them to have money on his loan that they could never collect on. So, they made the best of things and offered her a loan with payments cut by about 20%.

And what make me feel good is that I gave her basic advice to see this bank in the first place. I didn't think she'd actually get a loan, but I thought it would help if they actually knew they couldn't collect on the man's loan--and I happened to know of another loan that the same man was manipulating behind their back, and her paperwork kind of brought it all out. I advised her to see the bank because I figured they would actually work out the part of the loan that the man had been hemming and hawing over for the past two years...and so that there was no mistake later when they tried to foreclose on the man's loan. I also knew that any intelligent person would actually go talk to the bank in the same situation, though most intelligent people don't have such poor credit. But, in the end, the advice I gave her followed the traditional course of getting a bank loan against a mortgage, and it is all working out for the best.

Of course, I didn't bust her bubble by mentioning things like closing costs and points, but she'll hear all about those eventually. For now, she just knows she won't be awake all night every night worrying about how to keep her home and family together.

Now, I wish I knew what to tell her to help her get her children and family back together....

The lady I mentioned last will not be losing her house. Working together, we went through basic things like recording the Court Order that determined that though the abstract property recording showed another owner, she is the actual owner. With that recorded, she was able to get homestead credit. The homestead credit with an abatement helped her tremendously.

Then she asked me to go with her to the bank that recorded a lien against her property, the debtor being the man that the county recorder originally showed as the owner. The bank was very interested in all her documents, and they will call her to let her know if they can help her in any way.

Then we headed to her attorney, who was a bit more straightforward and understandable than I had been led to believe. In discussion with him, he lay many of her fears to rest--and with each issue she brought up, he explained things to her straight. At one time, she voiced a concern about something and he replied, "who cares?". She had always said he asked such questions like this--or "so what?". And she didn't like that because she got the impression that he didn't have time to answer her fully, so he just took an easy way out. So, when he made such statements, I then clarified the issue so he understood why she was concerned--and things made so much more sense. Usually, when he said such things, he was saying that her nemesis could do such things all he wanted--the nemesis was just blowing smoke with such things and there was no reason for legal concerns.

It is very easy to jump to conclusions when you don't have all the informaiton, when you need an answer and you fill in blanks with answers that make sense--but maybe not answers that are right AND that make sense. More often than not, the answers that made sense were put into the context that she had understood from the facts she had. Once she had more basic facts, it was easy to figure out the correct answers. By going back and getting the basic information, the best answer was the right and correct answer.

I have bad credit. Most of my friends have bad credit. They couldn't get a bank loan if they had a co-signer. It's bad.

It's not a secret that you need good credit to get a loan or help with any kind of professional service. And it's not a secret that you have to pay your bills on time to get good credit. It appears to be a simple thing--pay your bills on time and you'll get a good credit rating and then you'll be able to get a loan when you need it.

Unfortunately, that doesn't happen in my world. To operate in my world, you work with cash on the barrelhead. No matter how hard you try to not get bills, they're always there and you'll never be able to catch up. And the worse your credit, the more it costs. You get discounts for paying on time and for doing so on a regular basis. For those in my world, we make payments late and you get penalized--not only when you pay the bill with a late fee, but your credit rating goes bad. Double whammy. But, you see, that's the way the moneymakers make their money. They count on late payments and late fees. They need you to make your payments late so they make more money.

Even the Payday Loan people, whom I've used frequently, no longer want to use the checks you give them. Not because they don't believe the checks are good--but by you needing to bring in cash rather than letting them cash the check, they encourage you to pay the loan and maybe consider taking another one as long as you're there anyway. They can't loan you money when they cash your check! So the one here in town won't let you take another loan for thirty days if they successfully cash your check--and they reduce your credit line if they successfully cash your check.

I had a bank once that kept charging me overdrafts. About $400 a week. I went to the local branch several times to get it sorted out, and they kept telling me how much I had to deposit to get it straight. I'd do as they said, and three days later, another $200-400 in fees would show up in my mailbox. I couldn't keep up! I wrote a letter to their office a couple hundreed miles away and didn't get a response....so I called their main office a couple states distant. They informed me they didn't respond to my letters because my account was too small and didn't merit a response! I didn't know what else to do, so I went to the courthouse and filed suit in conciliation court--they wouldn't let me close the account until they were sure I didn't owe them any fees, but the fees kept building up. There didn't seem to be anything else to do. Then, a day before the case was to be heard, their lawyer in a completely other state called to settle...they closed my account and forgave all outstanding fees. It's terrible when even a bank can't help you sort things out without going to court.

A short time later, probably about five years ago now, I heard that bank was going to really start pushing their fees for consumers. They apparently made more through various fees than they did through loans, so that's the way they were going. ATM fees, wire transfer fees, late fees, NSF fees, etc. All of it was more reliable to them than trying to rely on consumer loans.

I know there are people out there, good people, that have worked hard to get good credit and they have reaped the rewards. Good for them! In the meantime, though, the rest of the world is struggling to survive, and as they get poorer, it keeps costing them more...and they'll never get out of the hole so there is never any real possibility of getting any kind of decent credit rating.

A lady I know will lose her home next week...and all because she can't afford to pay a lawyer. The man who is railroading admits that he's taking the tack he is because he knows she can't get an attorney...and it is simply not fair.

A friend of mine is fighting a DUI and implied consent violation. Today she advises that the court refuses to dismiss the matter since she claims to have had bronchitis and was unable to breathe enough air. I won't comment on the merits of her case since that's something she will need to handle on her own.

But what I can't understand is why her attorney is not explaining things to her. I worked for an attorney, and I know most of the process--but she is lost. I don't want to give her too much information and be liable for practicing law without a license (and I know how poorly I'd be practicing since I know the process, but the defenses are something only the legal eagles know), but the least he should have done is explain the purpose of an omnibus hearing--and next is a settlement conference, and she doesn't have a clue what it means.

Even getting the decision from the judge was a letter forwarded by the attorney. He didn't even give her the courtesy of a telephone call to explain the decision. And now she wants to know what will happen at the conference, and he's not answering her calls. Of course, she just got the letter this morning, but she has no confience that he'll return her calls. I would think the least a client could expect would be enough courtesy to know that at some reasonable point, the counselor would care enough to advise her a minimum of the process.

I, personally, would not hire an attorney any more unless I was absolutely at my wits end. I'd rather face the wrath of a judge pro se than want to work with an attorney. In my experience, attorneys compromise every case for the sake of money. They know it costs a lot of money to vigorously defend a client, but if they can compromise and do enough to keep their client out of the hottest water, then it is enough--in their eyes--to let the water simmer and eventually cool off with just a skim of the particles remaining at the top after the heat has been removed. I'd rather take a good, long drink of ice cold, clear water.

As for a DUI, judges lean toward the police team at every possible point. I truly believe once charged with a DUI, you are guilty until proven innocent. And no attorney wants to fight that truth, so they don't. There are less time-consuming, more win-able matters, and DUI attorneys know better than to try to establish a good "win" record. Try asking a DUI attorney how many cases they've won--in 95% or more of the responses, you'll hear that it's impossible to "win" a DUI, but they've provided a good defense and kept their client out of jail more times than not. Is that the kind of defense a client wants?