"Sicko," a film by Michael Moore, finally came to a theater in driving distance, so I went. I was disappointed.

I appreciated the film, and I truly was impressed by the creative ways that Michael Moore promoted the idea of universal health care. Michael Moore is fast becoming one of my heroes, disappointed though I was by this movie.

Unlike the Fahrenheit 911 movie, this one was not as "in your face" Bush-bashing, though there were obvious digs at Mr. Bush and his supporters. This one also showed that even Mrs. Clinton has a divided interest that boils down to money from the health care industry, but it was clearly more an indictment of the Republican policies that began with Nixon. Still, if viewers really considered the message, they would know that Moore was really indicting the American people and their lack of personal responsibility in areas of using their vote to promote ideas that would provide a good base for a healthy America.

Moore has been criticized because he didn't give the insurance companies equal time to defend their policies of profit-driven decisions that tend to hurt those who are most in need of health care. His reply is that this film is a response to the insurance industry decisions, and that is true--but that is NOT the primary message I took away.

I think Moore understands and respects the idea that public companies are motivated by public poicies and incentives to make a profit at the expense of individual lives. He doesn't respect, though, that the American people allow this to happen, and so he has provided us with information that brings to the forefront the idea that people in other countries have developed health care indusries that do not spare the individual for the good of the whole.

One gentleman from the UK pointed out that the UK government fears the people and their ability to provide a democratic vote, while in the USA, the people are afraid of the government. He pointed out that in the USA, the government counts on poor people feeling hopeless--and, to that, he adds that people without hope have no reason to vote, and they don't vote. So, in America, in the shadow of Moore, I ask: Why would the poor, hopeless people in America vote? They have no reason to vote if they have lost hope in tomorrow.

I believe Nixon first recognized the "silent majority" in America, and he counted on that silent majority to vote him into office. I think Moore missed the boat in not addressing that silent majority (though this is a Republican-engendered idea, so I understand why Moore would not promote this idea).

I also think that Moore must be disappointed in that it cost my $7.50 to see this movie. The poor people that would have benefitted most from this film cannot afford to see his film, and I hope he knows this--and has a plan to provide it to people at a lower cost. Maybe he knows that in 2008, just before the general election, the poor people will be better able to rent the DVD and maybe show it in small gatherings in local homes and watering holes....

Until he hits the best market of a silent majority, I'll be disappointed that Moore missed the public that most needs him--and I really want him to point out action steps, but that's not his way...

What is family? Should family be a primary consideration in our decisions and our actions? Which family?

I mean, today I went to a family gathering to honor a marriage that has lasted six decades. This was my father' first cousin, a couple who symbolizes to me the time in my life when my original family was whole, a time before the pain enered through that original family. I went there with my son to try to refresh the good feelings that I had once felt in the presence of these people, to laugh and feel good about life.

I did introduce my son to that part of the family, but not in a meaningful way. Everyone I knew and spoke to asked me how my older sibling was--and my mother. Not one asked me how I was, what I was doing with my life, what my children were doing.... Instead of recalling all the happy times, I began to recall how my older brothers and sisters always seemed to get the attention, and they still do.

But maybe they are just being real. I wonder whether I may not be all that interesting, and maybe my brothers and sisters truly have more exciting lives. I don't drink and I don't socialize much. I'm quiet, and I don't really feel comfortable in the public eye...though I like people to acknowledge me, I don't feel comfortable as the center of their attention.

And maybe that's what my life is all about...me doubting myself. I always have to tell myself that I am important, that I am intelligent and that I can do good things, that good things will happen to me--maybe hope is all I have. Hope for happiness, and that there may be nothing real on which to base that happiness. Just hope for the sake of hope.

My closest friends make fun of me because I am so curious, because when they need to know something, they can come to me and I can help them figure out whatever they need--I help them go through step by step each of their thoughts, or I show them where to go on the computer so they get their answers. But when I am curious (and I am curious about a lot of things) and I go on the computer, my friends laugh at me and now I have to wonder...are they laughing because of my predictable, repetitive actions---or are they laughing because they know I really know nothing?

I think I need to do some research on family and its influence on a person's self-image, the development of their faith in themselves. And I have to find out if "family" is really a literal term that describes a relatively commone set of gene makeup, or does "family" mrerely mean a group of people that are in close proximity? Either way, why does "family" trump hurting hope?

It's been a long day. Many issues came up at work and at home. My son was accused of theft at work, but they wanted him to continue to work--and the basis for their claim doesn't make sense. He works at a convenience store, and at the end of the day, his till was almost $100 over---meaning that he had $100 more than his register showed he should have. Yet, his managers (two) advised him that durig his shift last night, there is a little over $100 more checks registering in his till than was deposited through the electronic check processing system. So, while he ended up having way too much in his till, because there is a difference in the check values (and more in the till than was processed through the electronic system), they say they think he pocketed the extra money represented by the checks. They don't say there's money missing from the till, and the money is automatically deposited from the electronic check system into their bank account, so to me, it makes no sense to accuse him of theft--and they told him they would probably ask the sheriff to investigate the situation. He told them to go ahead, he had nothing to hide...and, it seems to me, the only thing he has to hide is that he has more money in the till than he should, and that doesn't represent theft to me.

Then, I had another call that my sister is having problems with her mortgage. I couldn't help her much, but it worries me that she doesn't have enough money to hire an attorney...and it's obvious that she needs one. Life is crazy.

There are other concerns that are worrying me, but there's not much I can do to fix all the issues. I hope that life sorts iself out soon!

Today I realized there are weddings everywhere. Weddings, anniversaries, parties.... It is actually a time to celebrate, and that is as it should be. I am happy for these people, and I wish them happiness for their life times.

One couple in particular gets my greatest admiration. After sixty years of marriage, they will get married again in the same church where they were originally married. One in a wheelchair, one in a walker, these good people represent some happy memories in my life, and I wish them well for the length of their loving, and that will be forever.

Now, not getting married or celebrating an anniversary, I need to learn to be happy with my life. Today on the news, there were several stories, none with obvious connections, that talked about depression...and murder, babies and suicide. And weight control. I wonder if depression can be considered in the light of an epidemic? In any case, I know life can be good and full of smiles. Mine is not, but I hope that one day it will.

And, beyond my life, I want my children and their families to have nothing but happiness...to have smiles....

Isn't it funny how my tears make me consider others' smiles?

I had a comment from a reader that we need to remember that some of our injuries are scars that are not open wounds, and that stopping self-punishment is complicated. The comment was very thought-provoking, and I took note.

The idea of self-punishment offers a new slant to my viewpoint, the idea giving me a perspective that wasn't their before. I went to this person's blog, and there was a photo there of a shadowed arch through which a pyramid was brightly illuminated, with a smaller pyramid at the top that begged you to look closer, to let that small triangle lead you to an understanding of the whole. I don't know if that's what the photographer intended, but that's the way I perceived the image--and realized that's how I often feel when looking at life. I'm standing on the edges, in the shadows, and I see life looming out there, offering light--and when I look closer, it's the small details that lend me understanding. And the small, new idea of self-punishment seems to really enlighten some things.

My incestuous relationship largely grew out of a lack of discipline in my family, but when it appeared, it was greatly feared. I feared the pain of discipline, and that fear was used against me. Too, I hated the thought that my parents would be disappointed in me and forced to punish me--I was more afraid of their disappointment than I was in the pain, and I was plenty afraid of that pain. For years, I thought I would be punished like nothing I'd ever experienced if I ever told of the situation, and so I didn't say anything--but I inflicted a LOT of pain on myself. To this day, there is a certain degree of pain that fascinates me, that calls to me....that somehow I crave whenever I start getting way too stressed. It's not good, and I think I'm beginning ot maybe understand a bit of that--that maybe it's part of that self-punishment idea.

But, I may never know exactly how these thoughts all come together. I want to see a mental health professional, but I can't. The Wellstone family is honoring Paul Wellstone by continuing to seek legislation that would permit mental health treatment to be treated as physical treatments are now done by the insurance agency, and I would welcome this. I crave a professional to help me, but there are barriers beyond the financial, and I surely hope it all comes to pass into law and those of us who want help can actually get it.

I also have been wanting to see Sicko, a movie/documentary by Michael Moore. It hasn't shown here, and I asked about it yesterday--and the local theater advised me that they may not bring it in. It's apparently too controversial. But I really want to see what it is that's upsetting so many institutions--from government to media. I keep noticing that those who criticize Mr. Moore do not say that he's wrong, just that he has a slanted point of view--that he doesn't give insurance companies equal time. But, as I heard in one interview, I already hear a lot about the insurance company's point of view, and now I want to know the reality that the insurance company doesn't want people to think about. But, for those here in the upper midwest, we may not find it easy to find truths that apparently the public theater operator has decided to censure through his economic clout. Wouldn't it be nice if the public could decide on their own what's good for them? Maybe the insurance companies and the theater operators might consider that the public really would use common sense, and then maybe we'd all be better informed and in better health (and all the time having a better bank balance).