I am a large woman. And I want to exercise. I really do. I want to get out and walk and feel good as I twist and work my body. The thought of twisting my left side, though, is absolutely terrifying, and the through of walking on my swollen feet is not enticing. Yet, I want to lose weight badly.

In the last few weeks, it's really been hitting home that I need to take better care of myself and take steps to present myself in a more acceptable manner. All my life I've had a "take it as it comes" attitude about myappearance, but lately I've been really getting a message that there are a lot more people in this world that care about their appearance more than they care about whom they really are. For some people, appearances are a matter of life and death. I don't think I'll ever get that far, but maybe I'll get to a point that I look somewhat polished when I step out the door.

I also have to feel better in my side and my head. The headaches have to stop, as does the pain in my left side. I don't think the doctors will help me, so all I can do is really start to live in a healthy way. I started tonight by eliminating the cheesy lasagna and went for the baked chicken and broccoli. I hope it will help.

I still don't feel great, but I feel better than I would have should I have eaten a panful of lasagna.

Last weekend we had a good, old-fashioned thunderstorm, complete with thunder and lightning. At one point, we thought the lightning had come right into our home because we saw a big ball of light in the corner of the room and I jumped from the thunderboom that happened at exactly the same time. I love storms and all the power they hold; however, on this occasion, it ticked me off a bit. While we have a surge protector on the electrical power cord, and the computer was sleeping and not connected to the telephone line, that lightning still managed to fry the modem. I thought it would cost a fortune to fix, but it was only $45 to have a new one, including labor. However, I thought I'd ask them to look through my programs and see why this thing is so slow--and told them I suspected it was the LiveOne virus protection program I had installed in January. It was always red or yellow--never the green that it should be if things were good--and it had been slow since I installed it. Well, to make a long story short, the computer geeks at my local service provider's shop could not get rid of the error messages, I had several spyware programs on my computer, and they do not recommend that particular program to anyone. So, it cost me another $40 to install another popular program that would not interfere with their program (provided for all incoming emails that go directly to my email on that site...which I never use since anyone in my family has access to that email). Anyway, I thought the repairs would cost a fortune, and I almost thought about getting a new computer, but this one now works better than ever....good, since it's only about three years old.

During our down time, I went to the doctor twice. First, every muscle in my body was hurting, so I went to get renewals on my pain relievers for my fibro. Three days later I went back since the pain was not better and I couldn't stay awake....this time they diagnosed a kidney infection and gave me ten days' worth of bactrim. That was not quite a week ago, and already the pain in my gallbladder area, my appendix area and my back are almost non-existent--and I can't remember the last time I didn't have those pains! The doctor always brought everything back to my fibro, and I just came to expect these pains as part of the issue, and the fatigue is typical of fibro, too. This time, though, the doctors weren't available, so I took an appointmet with a nurse practitioner, and I just told the nurse I suspected a kidney infection because of the hot and cold spells and the urgency I felt to go bathroom--the pain and the fatigue were not mentioned except to say that I wasn't sure if they were the kidneys or the fibro. Anyway, the nurse had me leave a urine specimen before the doctor even saw me...and the nurse practioner came in and said that I "definitely have a bacterial infection" and the specimen was very concentrated (whatever that means, though I thought it meant that I needed to drink more, but she seemed to imply that the bacteria was very concentrated) and wrote me the ten days' prescription insteand of just seven days' because she said it looked like the bacteria were far beyond the initial stages. She cultured it and the results were supposed to be back on Thursday-and said she'd call me if anything other than usual kidney-infection-type of bacteria were found. She didn't call, so I assume it was just an ordinary kidney infection.

I worry about kidney infections, but not overly. I've had them several times in my my life...and when I was pregnant, I thought I'd never move again. It hurt so bad I could hardly move to open a door, and once I satdown in a position that was halfway comfortable, I wouldn't want to move again. Well, my daughter ended up being born with one kidney, and I often wonder if that kidney infection was somehow connected. Other than that, though, they've been pretty much like this one...though the pain was always only in my back, not like this.

Then, today, I woke up with a migraine. I didn't think I'd make it through breakfast, but I was working with the respite job, and I had to...so I took some pills and tried to relax. My fiance was there and saw me crying, and he was so very concerned....but there's really not much he could do. I would have loved to have a couple cold packs and my meds...but not with me being responsible for this lady, so I just took some OTC meds and made it--though he thought I was getting a bit loopy, in his words.

This week, too, we found out our parent company has been bought by a Fortune 500 company. We hope we all have our jobs...we think we do, but we'll see....

A young person's life is not easy.

Tonight, I have a child at my home. Babysitting. He has a broken cell phone that he pretends to talk on. It's sad to hear his conversation: "I don't HAVE the money." and "I don't know!" and, immediately after hanging up: "What a jerk!" It's sad to think what kind of life his parents must have.

I also think about Cho Seung-Hui and the kind of life he lived. The kind of lives his victims lived. The kind of lives the rest of us live. It's very difficult for some to imagine the way his mind worked. And none can determine whom his "you" is when he said in his tapes that "YOU forced me to do this".... His words seem to almost be a poem, at least the parts I heard.

I hear the newspeople say that Seung-Hui had been diagnosed as mentally ill and a danger to himself. Everyone seemed to know that he was not "normal." He apparently had schizophrenic tendencies. And, what's sad is that I think I understand whom the "You" is--and how is brain worked.

This young person killed 33 people, including himself. He did this in cold blood, with no hesitation. I won't say, though, that he did it without remorse. He knew it was wrong. He knew that it wasn't right. And he told himself that he didn't want to, that someone made him do it. And I think that someone was God.

This young person was totally miserable. He had no social life, and it appears that he didn't let anyone be close to him. One report tried to say that he probably had damage to his frontal cortex in his younger years, and this affected his social development. Whatever the reason, he clearly didn't feel he had an ability to socialize, to be open and easily approached.

And, in his tape, he talks about how "you" backed him into the corner, how "you" gave him no choice but to do what he did. Clearly, he knew it wasn't right, but he felt compelled to do so. He didn't want to...but he had to co it in order to test the truth, to test reality and demonstrate a perceived myth. To me, his words seemed to recognize the Lord God as "You."

I can't really explain this right, probably, but this man had logically figured out there was no God--but, somehow, he wanted to believe in God, to know that there is a deity that loved him and would keep him from harm. His heart was poking in that little bit of doubt that shattered his logic, that little bit of hope that there was a God out there that was truly strong enough to stop him from doing such horrible things. At the same time, though, he had no respect for the rich and influential people--though he recognized society's exaltation of these beautiful people. And, in one short time, he struck out at these beautiful people and showed them that he had as much power as they...and, as he did so, he knew it wasn't right, but if God truly existed, then God would stop the horror. And, if God didn't exist, it was good that the world knew it. And that is the kind of determination and thought that I think this young man was using.

It wasn't good thoughts, but it was the only piece of hope he had left: that which all else found real and good, he also wanted to fidn the same--but, if he didn't find it, then he'd show the world how false their beliefs really were. Someone had to do this, and he felt he was destined to do this--for the world, and for the Lord's own good.

Of course, I don't really know if this is what he thought--but to me, it's only logical for him to have thought this way. And maybe I'm way off base, but it's the only ball diamond I have.

The truth is, families are grieving for this young man's victims. And they deserve it, for they had no wish to be part of this young man's determination to show the world that God exists...or doesn't.

I extend my sympathies to the families of the victims, and I hope that one day we learn that mental health needs to be addressedin a way that doesn't break our personal banks...that lets us all find hope and faith in tomorrow. Lots of tomorrows.....

Something's got to give. I can't keep going like this. I feel like I'm on some kind of wild roller coaster and my brain just doesn't know what to think next.

Two days ago Cho Seung-Hui killed 33 people, including himself. Normally, that would be all I can think about. Especially since he rails against many of the same things that I do. But I hate to even think of him and the young people that are no more--because this sick person couldn't think straight.

I heard Martina McBride singing tonight about dreaming even when things don't look good. Singing and dreaming and hoping and loving....and I wanted to believe her. But somehow, life just doesn't seem to get better.

I know I have problems. I'm begining to hate the sight of myself. I can't imagine what my fiance sees in me. I'm being a bit.. to my family and friends. It's horrible. And I know that life is good, but somehow my brain doesn't want to accept it. Somehow it likes being miserable, even if I don't!

Work is stressful. Moreso than usual. And I don't think people there realize how frustrating they make things...because they don't understand how it's supposed to go.

I really want to get help, but somehow I just don't believe a psychologist is going to do it. I understand what is wrong, I just don't know why. Psychologists try to get you to accepy things and work through things....to make it right. But I can't reconcile this with reality, can't make the mental convulusion meld with the actual events of life. It's like I have to work to make things happen because that's how it would logically happen...but don't try to evince a bit of emotion or energy into those events because it's as if I don't have the right or the ability to emote. Or maybe, more accurately, not to use emotion to base my actions in a reality that demands very specific routines.

Yet, all my big, major actions seem to emanate from hunches, from emotions. I can't make it all right, all come together.

All I want is life. Life that doesn't pull me in a zillion directions; life that just lets me live and hope and smile....

I am not doing great tonight. I am almost beside myself, and I know this is not rational. The most immediate issue is my son was disciplined at work and removed from his shift tonight because the manager said he didn't do enough work on Friday and Saturday...and I know I'm his mother and a bit biased, but I do know that when I stopped there on Friday, he was definitely working--but another worker, when I asked where my son was, told me he was "hiding" behind a building and "pretending to work." But when I found him (it's a job that allows him to chat while he works), he was working the store manager (not his immediate supervisory manager that disciplined him) at a job that required his physical strength (he's a big guy with lots of muscles) and would have, in my opinion, taken time from doing what he would have normally done. I want to go tell his manager (my other son's best friend) that he is unfair--but I know better, and I have to stay out of it, but I really think it's so totally unfair!

Instead, I need to sit back and let my son handle this in his own way. That's not easy for me to do, but I'm making every attempt...

Then, at work, all the things that I had stated and questioned in the past few months seem to be coming back at me--straight in my face. All the reactions that are happening are exactly what I predicted, and are reworking the same decisions I had earlier questioned....all of them ar things I could say "I told you so" about, and I just sit back and let the issues play out. One thing in particular ticked me off...I had questioned a quote that the new manager (my immediate supervisor) had directed me to do,though I voiced a few things he should have looked at. Now, today, someone else questioned it when it went to the credit department...all the way up to the top of the management change--and, then, when I had to go to my supervisor with the big guy, my manager pretended he couldn't remember why he had me quote that way and said he had to do some research to recall why he did what he did. He knows why we quoted as we did....!

And, at the same time, again I've been telling a customer something based on instructions from management...another customer/another issue...and today I'm told that management was wrong, and I now have to go back AGAIN and tell another client that we gave bad advice!

And then there were two incidents where other departments seemed to think we didn't know what we in my department were doing so they stopped all action on two orders because they assumed we hadn't considered the issues that they were so concerned about...but we had covered those issues and more! But, now, my customers that I have to deal with are upset because once again I have to tell them there are unexpected delays while we get our ducks in a row. And, the reality is, they are in a row but someone in the rear seems to think that we need to rework the line and reassemble after we make sure that all the ducks are mallards!

Then, there's a 4-day conference that my supervisor wants me at so that I can be with all the different customers and get to know their issues "intimately." SO, the CSM had to change me from 2 to 4 days...which would have been great if, as I had thought, I could actually go to the conference and do the work my supervisor wants me to do. Maybe even get a break from the regular job. Instead, the CSM agreed to the 4 days, but I have to bring a laptop with me so that I can do my regular work as well as the conference work--with no break as someone else would normally step in and help with some of the daily work that I would normally do at my job. It's not fair!

And then the lady that's going on vacation next Friday has decided to copy me with some of the emails to customers that I will likely be working with in her absence...and, in so doing, I discover that she's not doing half the work that these customers deserve. She doesn't have time, so she doesn't do it. I'm not putting her down since that's what all the others seem to do, too--but our management team should know a whole lot better than to let this go on!

And tomorrow I have to go do my second job because they can't find someone to cover for a few hours in the afternoon--leaving me less time to do my regular job. So, now, after tomorrow, they won't get any extra time except the two weekends a month that I originally agreed to.

People keep thanking me for my patience...sometimes I just don't feel at all patient! Sometimes I just want to go hide in a hole and not come out until the issues are taken care of by someone else.