I am tired. Not just fatigued, but just tired. Tired of getting up and going to work every day, getting home and doing nothing except making supper, washing dishes and going back to bed. Just to get up and do it all again tomorrow.

Except the weekends. Then I either get to work with a lady that needs so much help that we can't leave the house; at least, not when it's below zero outside. And on the opposite weekends, I try to keep my friend happy by going with him to these things that keep him entertained. Normally, I'd love those kinds of things--but when there's no other time to do anything that keeps me personally interested in the activity. No hobby time, no movie time, and no time to really sit down and read--unless I stay up until after midnight.

I like my job. I really do. And I love my family and my friends. But somehow I need to find time to be me, a mom and a girl. A lady and a woman. I want it all, and I want the time to have it all. I don't know if it's possible, but I want it.

I sure wish I knew how to be popular. I'm well into my 40's, and I still feel like a fish out of water whenever I get amongst company--or am expected to just sit and visit with people. I can write to people in emails at work all day, but put me in a social situation, and all I want to do is turn around and walk away.

My best friend says when I talk, it always sounds like I'm talking down to people, like I'm a "know it all", and that I don't think anyone else can possibly be right about anything. And he knows that I don't know more than anyone else---it just sounds like I do. I studied writing for a long time, and I also have worked with developmentally disable people for a long time before I began to do the work I do now. That type of work got me through university. So, now, I think I combined the style of dialogue I did with uncommunicative, developmentally delayed people (where you kind of lead the conversation and expect them to follow your conversational lead--and you will even provide their half of the conversation at times if they aren't able to speak) and the writing I learned (where you have to write as if you are absolutely correct and have no doubts about what you write)--and somehow that is a style of communication that doesn't do well amongst ordinary people. And it hurts when the people you want to be friends with think that you are simply too stuck up to talk with.

So, now, I have to figure out a way to get better at this. I am in sales, and in my area of expertise, people call me "quiet"--but they respect my knowledge and experience--and they seem to adapt to my style of communication, but I think I could do well to somehow be able to speak in a friendly, open manner.

I remember once I was a waitress, and--at the counter--a regular customer was talking with another one about a subject I knew about. I don't remember what that subject was, but I do remember asking a question as a "inkle" to get in the conversation--and being advised in a very frank manner that their conversation was none of my business. And this has happened many times. And every time it happens, it hurts. And it makes me more quiet than ever.

I know my quiet times began as a little girl, even before the incest. When people would come to visit us, I remember sitting under the table between my mother's or grandmother's knees--or hiding behind her skirts. I also remember feeling like I couldn't talk about my life in school--from the first grade, I was reminded daily that I could not talk of what was happening, and I was always afraid to speak of our home life and afraid that if I did, I would lose my mother if it resulted in that horrible place called foster care. And I am a female that can't keep her hair in place (it's thick and has cowlicks all over it--and has a complete mind of it's own, even when it's long) or able to dress in clothes that fit the way they're supposed to (my weight changes by 10-20 pounds every other week, so none of my clothes are guaranteed to fit on any one day), and I feel like if I put on makeup, then everyone will think I'm putting on airs and trying to look better than I really am, better than I deserve to be.

It is a horrible fear inside me that comes about when I am with other people in a social situation...and I have to learn to get over it!

I feel restless tonight. I want to feel like I am enjoying life and celebrating all that life offers. Instead, I sit watching tv and typing on a computer keyboard.

And it's not all that great tv, either.

When I was in high school, I remember my mom visiting her psychiatrist and coming back withthe advice that she needed to become involved in some kind of activity or find a hobby. Somehow, I understood, she needed to do something to distract her thoughts. Something that would stop her from being quite so introspective all the time. She became in the Toastmasters club, but that just wasn't right for her. I can see why she was interested in the premises that Toastmasters offers, but I think even she knew, going in, that the formality of the club wasnot something that she would be comfortable in.

Well, now I think I need to do something to distract me. I need to find something that will want to become involved in,something that makes me think and excites me. I need that, or I think I will become totally depressed.

Tonight I surprised myself and went to church. Actually, it ended up being a bible study at the parsonage because it costs a lot of money to heat a church for half a dozen people, but it was a positive experience.

The topic was the the Spirit of Confusion, drawn from Job 41. I think the pastor was a bit long winded for what he had to say, and he had some basic principals that he emphasized--just as all Christian churches seem to do--but I was more impressed by a combination of the people attending and the supports the pastor was using for his lesson. I hate to go many local public places because I think that there are few people in this community that do not look at me with resentment, ridicule, hositility or some other negative emotion. In the past, I have struggled financially...and that somehow has always translated into my feeling inferior in most social situations. And whenever I tried to become a bit more socially aggressive than I was comfortable, I would ineveitably become challenged with oppositon to my thoughts, ideas or actions. And I would go forward if I felt that it was right, but it normally ended up with friendships being torn asunder and fewer friends than I had started with. In recent years, I avoided going to town whenever possible because I have been afraid to meet these people that I had felt somehow I had wronged or whom had resented me.

And I also seem to be more at home with poor people of the ilk of my origins. It is difficult for me to feel at home with those who seem to be more financially and socially "fit" than me.

So, when I got there and the first person that I was introduced to was a man whom I replaced in a past position of authority, and I always assumed he resented me--particularly as that organization folded under my leadership (and I justify that by saying the only thing that was holding it together was my own actions, and the few other members refused to fulfill their weekly obligations--and I'm trying to be objective and say things in an objective way, not intended to appear superior to anyone)--I wanted to turn around and walk out. But he treated me with respect, and I appreciated it (though he treated others in that other organization with respect in their presence and then seemed to be not so nice behind their backs--and this is making me hesitant to write about the meeting with him tonight, but I want to be honest here). And the pastor was a man that I had met in the past--always in the presence of those that were less than "financially viable" in the larger world's view--and I was thinking I was not a person he would respect when he knew where I came from--but he, too, provided me only with respect. And there was a couple there that were clearly seeking something more than they had, and I could see that they were feeling somewhat less than comfortable, but they remained and I felt at home with them.

Somehow, people tell me after they've known me for a while, it's difficult for them to figure me out. I seem to be poor, but I also seem to be more intelligent and educated than anyone most of them know--and I've been in national publications and recognized by larger than life public figures. When you read my works before you meet me, the meeting of the real me seems somewhat at odds with my published personality. I seem like a religious grandma when people miss me--and some even say that, until they come to my home, they think I must live in a mansion (despite what I see as my own lack of decent clothes or hygiene skills--in clothes I usually buy at the thrift store and not even having had a haircut in at least six months). Yet, tonight, I felt right at home with these people, even the ones that made me want to run when I was first introduced.

And that brings me to the confusion part. The message focused on eliminating confusion through faith. And it talked about how people became focused on things in their life other than faith, and that's when they strayed from their beliefs and things would go bad. Well, I can't say that I've ever really followed a path of faithful actions, but I can say that when I stopped going to church several years ago, it was easy to not get up on Sundays and easier to give in to kids not wanting to go to church than to make them go--and I have financially greatly improved my life since I stopped going to church. So, why would this confuse me? Why would it lead me to wanting to return to church? THIS is what confused me tonight....

The truth is, I never gave up my faith. I just didn't walk in a path of faith that led to the earthly church every week. And I probably still will not. I have talked with God often, and I have a faith that he has built in me, and he has taught me that instead of wanting the leadership positions I had held in the past, now I wanted to simply believe and provide service as I could. And to do so out of a simple faith rather than as a matter of doing things because I was supposed to do those things. I have always needed God, and I knew it, but sometimes I wondered how God could have let all these things happen to me--and why he would do it when I went to church or publicly declared my faith, but when I became more church-resistant, only then did my financial and physical stature grow. It seemed to counter all that God had promised through faith.

But, tonight, somehow, I started to understand that by stepping away from the church, I focused more on my faith and friendship with Jesus--rather than on what I needed to do next for the church. The small amount of faith I consciously recognized these past few years was probably a whole lot more than the visage of faith I had tried to project while I actually attended church. And I think that may be what made the difference--the confirmation of a small amount of faith was more than the acceptance of a faithful attempt at a Christian life.

I also think that God was definitely talking to me about the tithing. I had used tithing as an excuse for not going...any time people asked why I didn't go to church regularly any more, I would explain that I disagreed with the church on tithing. And then I would stay away from the church. But, tonight, that could not be my excuse--for there was no attempt to collect an offering. I didn't need to pay anything to be in the company of faith, and I liked that.

I haven't written for a while. I haven't felt like writing. There's so much going on, but none of it is earthshattering. Except the two young men that were found in Missourri after being kidnapped by a devil of a man...sorry, that was a bad pun. Michael Devlin is a devil, though. I know he's due a fair trial and presumed innocent until proven guilty...but at the very least, it's obvious he's guilty of withholding evidence since the two boys were in his home and he never reported it. I fear, though, he's guilty of so very much more. And I hurt for the boys...and their families. No child should be in the position that their captor placed these two young men.

Did you know it is Blue Monday? I just heard that....and I believe it. I am not a happy person. I even had to leave work because things were just getting too unfocused. I wanted to go hide and not come out. Instead I came home. And I worked on taxes--because I promised for the past week that I would,s o people were waiting at my house. I did three people's--I don't charge, but no one else in my social cirle has internet access, so they and I filed electronically by just completing the forms at www.irs.gov's recommended sites. It keeps your mind on the program, but all I wanted to do was go hide in my room and sleep....

Also, my family is already discussing next Christmas. My mother sent out a letter that said she didn't want to have to prepare the main meal...and well she shouldn't have to. I felt bad that she had to send out such a letter. She is a wonderful lady, and I think we all would have jumped and provided the entire meal if she had said so...she just seemed to want to make the meal as a Christmas gift, and then she didn't give individual gifts. I was apparently not right, so I sent out a family email..and the rest of the family seem to agree that she should not be making the meal. It will work better this next year, I think.

And Mrs. Clinton is running for the presidency in 2008. I like the idea since I liked her and Bill's idea for universal health care. There's too many people I know that are going bankrupt due to their medical bills. And I heard a gentleman on CNN say that she has no position on anything, particularly the war on terrorism. Well, in my opinion, that's the best kind of politician to be: someone who is willing to listen to fact, even if they change, and not wanting to make decisions before all the facts are assembled. Every minute we get new facts on Iraq (and other issues), so why would any candidate be foolish enough to take a position on anything that hasn't happened yet? One reason that I have not voted Republican in the past two decades is that they are too ingrained in being strong rather than right. And their "too" united front of the past ten years has splintered...much to DeLay's detriment. It doesn't take much to realize that the votes went where money came from....

OK...I'll sign off now. I hope I write a bit more quickly than this submission came....