Sadaam Hussein will die soon. He will be hanged. And he will leave this world in a manner befitting a criminal, befitting a man that felt no compunction about killing masses of numbers of people.

Some may not believe it is appropriate for him to hang. Some feel it is too easy, too simple for him. They want him to suffer and to feel the pain of every person that died at his hands.

Others would give him mercy, would offer him grace in the face of horror, would offer a prayer for him and ask that he be allowed to live and to rectify his horrific acts.

I, personally, would not kill him. For me, killing a man for any reason--even to obtain man-made justice--would not be right. The deliberate taking of a life is an act that I cannot justify in my mind.

Yet, somehow, I could not allow him to live in a world where he feels it is right to kill people for imagined infractions of a personal code of honor. I would want him to live in a world where he can learn that people are human and that we each have the ability to care for others...to care so much that we cannot fail to provide so much as a glimmer of faith in human nature.

But no such world exists, and faith cannot allow for unrealistic hope for personal growth and realization of the "truth" that provides grace to all who despise the idea that real people can be so horrible to those less able to be strong in the face of a person who feels no innate sense of right or wrong. People such as Sadaam Hussein make me question my own belief, but no matter how logical I am, I cannot think that at least one human will be killing another human--even for the sake of justice.

But, then, I find it difficult to kills insects and bugs. As I grow older, I find that I am better at killing spiders and beetle types of bugs. But, usually, I prefer to somehow capture them and release them somewhere far away from wherever I might happen to be. These creatures have a life and have done nothing to harm me, and it is my own fear that makes me want to kill these helpless creatures. I wonder if that is the way Sadaam felt...?

I've been watching PrimeTime, a show they called "Basic Instincts." It's been showing how bystanders react when coming upon an obviously inebriated person trying to get in a car with the intent of driving while intoxicated. They showed the person being a well dressed man, a casually dressed man, a woman and a woman with two little girls. There were definite differences between the way each was treated and how much it took for someone to respond and try to stop the person from driving.

Then they showed couples fighting in the park..men beating on women and then women beating on men---first a white couple and then a black couple. They all generated different reactions.

They also reviewed what people do when given a $100 bill in wrong change--instead of a single dollar. And how cab drivers treat different people differently.

It was very enlightening...not so much the people's reactions, because I think most people could have predicted the reactions. What caught my eye is that television medium was covering this topic...and covering it in a prime time situation. These should have been pretty basic reactions that shouldn't have caught our attention, but it was obvious that there are behaviors that surprise people, and that simply amazes me. I've covered most of these kinds of situations in my mind time and time again, and it didn't surprise me.

But what really kept coming to mind was the thought that if you need money, you go to a poor person--not to a rich person. I know that when I have been down and out...really down and out...I have gone to people who have money, and they typically refused to help. But if I go to poorer people, they will help me if they are able to. I always feel guilty when I know that I could never pay them back.

I also regularly work with people that have money, and I know that most of them will help anyone else if they don't have to give very much...and if it is an organized fund raiser, particularly if they get something in return. Like a dinner where a portion of the proceeds goes ot a charity. Or a school kid selling magazines for a school function. They're more than willing to help in these situations. But if that person were approached by a poor person who begged for money, they probably wouldn't look twice.

I also remember traveling once and being a tourist in an area where begging was illegal, and I refused to give a lady and her young boy any money--but I gave money to a beggar that was dressed to entertain. Even I have developed this sense that I will give money to people who make an effort to earn money, but not to those who simply beg.

Yet I have needed help in desperate situations, and I have asked for free money. And I got it--but, really, the donors were a finite group of people that I grew to know. And now that I have been working full time, I know those people that regularly helped me really didn't have much more than I did.

I also know that after my husband left me, I went on welfare. I was raised on welfare. My mother told me what welfare was when I was little--she said that every person deserved basics in life, and the money and foodstamps we received was there to help us to live with basic necessities. She said that the president had said this was OK, but that we all needed to try to work hard and earn money where we could...and always be honest and try to give honest labor for honest money. But, now, when I hear people talking about welfare, most people talk about how it is just "handouts" and that people wasted their lives by being lazy and not working.

And I noticed that when welfare reform happened about eight years ago, single mothers started to leave their children in the hands of day care workers and went to work. And every one of those family's children are in trouble as they reach teen age years. I honestly believe those "welfare mothers" did good to stay home with their children...especially since those that I know, the same ones that have problem teens, every one of them have some kind of mental disorder, diagnosis or personality disorder. Living in a rural community, I worry they will not be able to survive much longer now that their five years of benefits are starting to dwindle. At least many of them now have social security disability payments that will now last a lifetime instead of just until their children turn eighteen.

In the meantime, I hope we all one day learn to help each other--regardless of gender, race or economic standing. We all need to live with hope and respect, and I hope we all can provide the best of ourselves to help those around us become the best they can be given what they do or do not have.

Today I went to Court on the contempt hearing against my exhusband. The County brought the action, and I was happy to think that we might be able to use the threat of jail as leverage to force full support payments for the last six months before my child turns 18. I checked in early and waited out in the hall by the courtroom. After a while I looked down the hallway and my ex was gone. I went to the checkin desk to tell them I wanted to make sure I was in the Court room when they called my case. They advised that I could sit in the courtroom and then I would be sure to be there when my file was heard. I went to go in and found them already in the middle of my file. I was so upset I almost cried. But I interrupted, risking the judge's ire, and informed the Court that I was in the courtroom and that no one had bothered to call me into the hearing--though I was the Plaintiff. I was not a happy lady.

I made it clear to the court that I had some issues to bring up against the County's action. It had been apparent that my ex had been arguing that he couldn't afford to pay and was contesting the county's action. And the judge was trying to find out why my ex had no attorney before addressing, as he called it, "this mess". In the end, the judge--who was new on this file after the old judge was re-assigned to the appellate court--ordered that me, my ex and the county all have a settlement conference to see if we could come up with a compromise rather than have a contested hearing. I have been wanting this kind of meeting for about eight years, and I was happy to have it.

But when we got to the meeting, in a room with one glass wall showing into the entire county attorney's office, my ex started yelling and rising to the level of physical intimidation--as long as it was just me and the county agent in the room with him. The employees, particularly the male employees, in the county attorney's office kept peering through the glass wall--clearly concerned about my ex's aggrssion--when the very young assistant county attorney made his way into the room. Then things got a bit better as far as the physical intimidation was concerned, but my ex continued to be very bitter and was very aggressive in his tone and his words.

The judge had said before the meeting that we would probably end up with no one being happy. Not me, not my ex--and not the county. But I had gone into the court intending to ask that the judge order that as long as the final six months of support be paid every month in full, then my ex wouldn't have to worry about jail time. I was even prepared to forfeit the thousands of dollars of back support, or arrearages, if I could get at least these last six months of child support in full on a regular basis. In the end, my offer to let my ex pay the basic child support as a condition of purging the contempt's jail time was honored. I also suggested we freeze the interest and allow the medical support accrue as arrears in those months he could not pay. The county suggested to my ex that he apply for a reduction in child support, but he refused--saying that every time he did so, he ended up paying more than he did before his request. He also refused to apply for a public defender, but said he would not qualify--that he had applied many times and never qualified. He also said he couldn't bring in his tax records as the court ordered--because he hasn't filed for several years because he said he couldn't afford to file taxes after he paid child support (but which he didn't pay). My thought is that he did not provide his income in any form because he knew his child support would increase--and he is doing everything he could to not pay his child support as it is, so he sure doesn't want his income to be reviewed.

If I didn't have to live with my kids for the rest of their lives, then I wouldn't have been so generous. The man needs to help pay support, and he should know better. But I made a very generous offer--far more generous than he deserves. And he accepted. He tried to tell the judge he accepted because he has no real choice, but the judge wouldn't take that. In the end, the ex said he agreed to the offer with no qualifying language. And that was all it took.

However, he made it clear that he is in transition between jobs...and I won't get another child support payment until the middle of January. Why doesn't this surprise me? But, according to the agreement, he still has to pay full support even in January. And, when asked when his last check from his current employer would be issued, his response was "there'll be no more money from her." That was it. He didn't say he was not getting another pay check, just that his current employer would not be paying any more child support. It made me mad that he continues to play his games--and that's what he and his friend and current employer are doing--but there really wasn't too much I can do without the suport of the county, and it was clear the county has no intention of following up on the issue.

Well, we'll see how it goes. With Christmas just passed, and I'm very happy it has--though I feel like there was no Christmas spirit anywhere and we all seemed to just go through the motions--this agreement was a good present. At least I can hope for child support for the next six months. Whether the gift will be delivered has yet to be seen.

My head hurts. It's been hurting for three days, and each night I've awoken thinking I needed to cut the pain or head for the ER. I've been able to stop the pain, but it keeps coming back, and I hate it. So today I went to the clinic and had an injection of toradol. It's a non-narcotic, but it helps a whole lot better than nepergan and demerol used to. Today it took the pain, but I can't sleep, and I'm so very, very exhausted. But I can't sleep.

I guess I've been lucky. I haven't had such a headache for a while. But it's almost Christmas, so I should have known one was due. I always seem to have one at Christmas. Of course, they usually happen exactly on the holiday, so this one's early--but, actually, I was trying to be proactive and went in after only three days. I thikn it would have gotten worse if I had waited until Christmas. I really hate Christmas. Nothing every goes right on Christmas.

It's my son's 22nd birthday today. He called to tell me he went to the new Hooters for supper. They made him get up on a chair, he said, and hold a menu under each arm and flap them like a chicken--as they sang happy birthday to him. I keep thinking how my very best friend hates going to Applebees because five years ago they sang happy birthday to him and gave him a free dessert. He would have died if he had to get up on a chair and flap his arms like a chicken. And Tom was wished a Happy 16th birthday....that wouldn't have gone over with my friend.

We'll celebrate his birthday here tomorrow as we have our Christmas celebrtion. I sure hope I sleep tonight and that my headache is gone tomorrow. At least it's not quite as bad as it could be.

I am going to go get something to drink, then go to bed. These headaches sure make me thirsty. I think I've drank at least six cans of diet pepsi in the last three hours. I am just really, realy thirsty--and really, really tired. And I know people might think it's the caffeine that's keeping me awake=-but that's not right since it's caffeine free. Now, I'll go to bed and tomorrow will be a new day...

Christmas is coming, and I don't know what to do. It is not a happy time for me. It feels more like a time that I have to force a smile and try to be happy for everyone, when all the time I want to go curl up in a corner and cry.

Christmas is supposed to be a celebration. A time that families come together and enjoy their love, their caring and their relationships. It's supposed to be a time of giving and of singing, of reminding each of us that life is good and hope is eternal in everyone.

I read a comment that said sometimes we have to fake it til we make it. I liked that. And at Christmas time I fake it more than any other time. I fake the smiles, and I fake the happiness. Those who are close to me know that I am not all that I could be...they know who I used to be and how truly happy I was to be with people. They used to see me as the life of the party, and the party kept going as long as I was there. Now, my presence seems to assure that the happy times are done.

But maybe it's just my own perception of the situation. If I don't feel excited about something, maybe I'm placing my own dull perception on those around me. Maybe they've never been as excited to be with me as I imagined.

But it's more than the sadness in social situations. It's more that I simply don't feel joy any more. I constantly worry about money...and Christmas is a time that is intended for spending money. I like to shop, but I hate the thought that I am spending money that I can't afford, but I know that Christmas is a time for giving--and the gifts are about the only thing I have left for a Christmas tradition. I think that I'm about at the point that I never want to give gifts again--and never want to celebrate Christmas.

I don't feel like I can celebrate with my original family any more. They don't project the joy I want to feel. And my own children are too busy to enjoy more than a fleeting few minutes for a brief dinner. One day they will be older and have their own families, and maybe then I'll feel like we are truly honoring the Christmas season.

And the family that I will join as part of my future husband's life, well, that family is just a bit too formal for my enjoyment. I can deal with it, but they don't exude the joy that I want. They seem to go through the motions of Christmas, but they aren't truly experiencing the joy of the season the way it was meant.

So why do we even celebrate the season?

I don't know if I know any more. I think I'm dreaming of a season that maybe never really existed. And I want it to be so real...but it's not...