I got married a week ago. I said it would make no difference to the way things are, but I was wrong.

While life has not been perfect and glorious, it has gotten more complicated. My mother-in-law lives in the same house, and I am trying very hard not to take her criticisms to heart, but they cut to the quick, and as depressed as I was before, I fear that things may get worse. I tried to leave the house today to avoid her, but I couldn't figure out what to do for an entire day, so I was only gone half the day.

First, she criticized the way I washed the clothes. She found a pair of socks that was not pure white and said she had to re-wash it because, she said, it had obviously been washed with my husband's black jeans. I don't know if they were or not, and I really don't care. They were clean. I know I should figure that if she wants to expend the energy, let her. But, instead, all I can focus on is that small criticism.

Then, a policeman came knocking on the door and needed to talk to me, the owner of the car out in front of our house. Apparently, I didn't lock the door and the glove compartment was opened and searched through. He wanted me to determine if anything was gone. I never keep anything of value in my car, but I went down and looked. Nothing gone. He then wanted me to see if there was anything extra in the compartment because some of the cars that had the glove compartments opened were gifted with money. Unfortunately, I found no money, either. He then went on with his job and I returned to the house. My mother-in-law said, mildly, that I really should lock my doors. A while later, she asked me if I had locked the doors before returning to the house (really! opening the barn door after the horse is out), and I said that I hadn't--but I was going to be leaving in a couple minutes. So, then, her reply in a very dictatorial manner, was "You BETTER be sure to lock those car doors!" If anything were geared to push my buttons, that tone was it! Now, even if I do lock my doors, if she asks if my car doors are locked, she's going to get a "no" or a "that's none of your business" reply.

My thought with locks is to remind myself that people are taught as children that it is wrong to steal things that don't belong to them. So, when someone steals from a car door, that is the thief's transgression, not mine. There is no harm done when an unlocked door is opened and nothing is stolen. Why stress out about locked doors?

Yes, I had my battery stolen, and this is the second time the glove compartment was opened. But, I refuse to live my life erecting fences and locking doors. The battery was very old and needed to be jumped every other time you started the car. And anyone who stole it would have known it was not a good battery by the amount of corrosion, not to mention the date stamped on it. So, if they needed a battery that bad, then it's good they got my old one.

Right now, I am fit to be tied, and I don't want to hurt my new mother-in-law's feelings, but this cannot continue!

I am feeling very guilty right now. I know I don't really have to feel guilty from what everyone tells me, but I do. My son is in all kinds of financial distress, and I can't help but tell myself it's my fault since so much happened last fall to make me lose my job and our home together. He's now out there trying to make it without me, and he's failing. I want to help him so badly, but I'm not in any better situation than he is.

I try to tell myself that even if we were still together in the same place, he would have the same problems because the same bills would be there. They would, it's true. But I would probably put myself further in debt to help him, and at least one of us would be better off.

I did tell him to ask for a forebearance on his student loan, and that will help him catch up on everything else and get him through for the short term. I don't think he's listening to me, though. He's just getting further and further behind, and I see him going to the same depths of debt that I had, and I don't know what to do to help him. In the end, I hope he figures things out better than I ever did--and I surely hope he doesn't get as depressed as I do over the same things.

Good things are happening in my life, at least on a social level. I should be excited and happy, but all I do is worry and get frustrated. I am planning a celebration, and it is a happy time. Yet, people keep telling me that they want this to happen or that to happen, and I know exactly what I want. I am trying very hard to be patient and have changed things completely from what I originally envisioned, but every day something new turns up and someone else has something else to say. I feel like an ogre when I don't honor someone's request, and when they ask why I can't, I feel horrible to have to tactfully refuse their idea.

This is my project. I know it's going along well, and it will happen in a good way. I just worry....

I am not doing too well today. I'm bursting into tears, and I'm just not feeling like doing anything. I'm forcing myself to get on this computer, to write in an attempt to keep myself sane. At this point, it's not working.

I've been having horrible dreams. Not monsters or snakes or falling. No. Much more insidious. Last night the dream was about me being the mother of a beautiful girl, who felt bad about herself, but I cheered her up enough to make herself feel and look beautiful. She was about eight. And she was just a happy little girl. We then went to a party for rich people, but we were just us dressed up to look pretty and rich--our appearance seemed to bring us acceptance there. We were eating and having a good time, and my daughter sat next to a chaperone type of adult, a parent of another child, while I was busy talking business with another attendee. About then, I saw a young man get up and go to where my daughter sat--and then I don't recall exactly what happened--the next thing I knew this young man went back to sit down with his parents while my daughter was left to suffocate in a big garbage bag. I went to rescue her and found her alive, but hot and miserable. As I went to rescue the other person in the other bag, I started to demand to know where the chaperone was during this horrible thing--and the young man just leered and pointed to the other bag, as if to say it didn't matter who we were with, no one could protect us. I rescued the adult and then demanded that the police be called--and the young man that hurt my daughter looked affronted, almost taunting, and couldn't believe that I (having such little financial significance or social significance) would have the nerve to even THINK about calling the police for such a prank...but I was insisting, the people around me not sure what to do, when I woke up....

These kinds of dreams keep happening. And they're wearing me out.

And I feel so guilty about not being able to help my children now. They are so far away from me. Yes, they are adults, but I should be there for them. I should have the money to help them get a pair of shoes when they ask if I can help. I should have a bedroom for them when they need a place to stay. I should be their safety net, and I'm none of those things. I can't help them. And it is an absolutely horrible, awful feeling!

OK, now I know I have a problem. I initiated a dangerous activity, started down the pathway toward self-destruction, and then decided it was totally uninteresting. I was craving such self-destruction a week ago, and now it feels like it's an actual chore to continue seeking the "fun."

I just don't feel too interested in too much lately. This afternoon I took a trip north and participated in an activity that was family-friendly, wholesome, challenging and even world-record-setting (no lie!), and I camped the whole weekend. But all I wanted to do there is get back home so I could lie in my bed and sleep. As I arrived home, it passed my mind that I should check how things are going in this dangerous activity, and I really didn't want to do all that's necessary to check out my status. I finally did, and it's ready to go to the next level, and I just am not at all interested.

I also know that in a day or so, I will start wanting danger again. As soon as I get too frustrated, I will continue where I left off. And I need to fight that. But I already feel the frustration building again--I had talked myself into believing life was good and I had no concerns, but that is not true, as was driven home when I arrived home and a certain person was there with all the snide remarks and omissions that she does deliberately. I want to be the bigger person with her, but sometimes I just want to explode at her. I know others have, but I keep telling myself it's not worth the fight. The woman is almost 70 and she is set in her ways, and blowing up will just make me look crazy--because it will just make her laugh! This will drive me insane soon, and then I will need to really practice self-control. Or, do my best to do so, anyway!